A Confusing Yet Fun Adventure
by Random comments inc
Summary: Confusing, Funny, ConFunny! At Least, that's what I'm going for in my first story that's only goal is to put nonsensical things I just made up together in a way that makes sense. Rated T Because paranoia's epic. Updated weekly (hopefully). A sorta re-imagining of the series, from start to end.
1. An Introduction

**Note: Please note that this is my first story, and while the story is meant as a joke anyway, I still do not have the experience of a, well, experienced writer. Yay? Also, this is only the Intro**

 **Also Also, I made this AU up off the top of my head.**

* * *

Once Apon A Time...

It Was Summer...

"KIDS! ARE YOUR BAGS PACKED?" Wendy roared at Dipper and Mabel, her adopted daughters (Dipper was still mad at her about that)

She and the twins she fathered had decided (read: she decided) to get away from the electronics and the home plate to go to the quiet city of Gravity Falls, Oregon, and stay with their great uncle Stan, a con man made infamous from his house/shop: The Mystery Shack.

"Sure, Dad" Replied Dipper, while Mabel said something so full of velocity and confetti that it was so- Who am I kidding? She moved her lips and confetti came out, and I don't have a clue what she said.

"Good! Throw them in the back, and we'll get on the road" Wendy said, at a moderately volumed voice, because the kids had moved outside and she no longer had to shout, and yes that woulda made more sense in the last paragraph but These little who said what things are supposed to be short, and that last one was getting kinda lon-

" 'Kay Dad!" Dipper says, although I was-

"Pull over at the next rest stop, I gotta go" Mabel yelled but-

"Mabel, Were- "

HEY, I'M THE NARRATOR AND I'M TRYING TO DO MY JOB AN-

"... - still at the house"

fine.

Just fine.

Dipper told his sister off, and they sent her to quickly use the bathroom in the house while they wait for the narrator to catch up.

 **-Time Skip-**

"Welcome To the Mystery Shack" Greets their great uncle Stan

"It has a rustic worn-down appearance" notes Mabel

"Is that thing even safe?" Dipper asks

"What! It's Obvious that this is one of the safest places you'll ever be! Look at all these not faked health inspections sheets!" Stan beguiled while showing them clearly faked government documents.

Suddenly, The "S" of the Mystery Shack falls off the roof, killing Soos, who you haven't met yet.

"Soos?" Stan calls, hoping for an answer

"Sup, Mr. Pines" Soos's ghost calls, Beca- Wait Soos's? Sooses? Soosies? Soosi? What is the plural of this word?

"Aah!" they all shout in terror

"..."

"Uh... Soos?" Stan cautiously questions

"Yeah?"

"You're Uh, a ghost now. Okay. I can deal with that."

"That's Great, Boss!"

"..."

"Okay, Soos," Stan Decides " Go Clean up your corpse"

"On it Mr. Pines"

Soos then, as you would expect, leaves

Stan Then turns to the Stunned Family Beside him.

"what are you guys looking at?"

* * *

 **That was the introduction of the story... Yeah...**

 **Remember, If You don't complain about my inadequacies in the Reviews, How will I improve?**


	2. Tourist Trapped(Or how Stan Gets a idea)

**So, I made an intro to my incredible idea, And, Then to my surprise, I got some people following it, and I was like: I have free time, and I have adoring fans...**

 **NEW CHAPTER!**

 **Disclaimer: If I owned Gravity Falls, I wouldn't be writing a fanfic about it, would I?**

 **Also, There's Going To Be No Pairings in this, so, Just throw-away lines and gags.**

* * *

"The Sun Was Shining, The Sky Was Bright

And Families were everywhere enjoying summer break

A Time For leisure, recreation, and taking it easy.

Unless your a member of my family"

(Que Mabel, Dipper, And Wendy bursting out of the sign)

"My name is Dipper. The girl about my size is my sister Mabel. The Tall Girl in the back is my father. You may be wondering what we're doing in a rusty old golf cart, fleeing from a creature of Hardly imaginable horror, Or why I'm Narrating while the narrator glares at me with the same look I would give a small and fuzzy but utterly insignificant caterpillar crawling onto one of my journals"

"Rest assured, there's a perfectly logical explanation"

"It Started on about the second day we Got to gravity falls"

(Que Start Of St-

"It was weird from the first day we got there, In All Honesty, but the second day was when it got real"

(Que Start Of Story)

Dipper Was, Of Course, complaining to Mabel about her latest phase:

"Mabel, I know you're going through your whole "Boy Crazy" phase, but I think you're kind of overdoing it with the "crazy" part"

Mabel, responds Typically. "What?" She pauses to blow a raspberry "Come on, Dipper! This is our first summer away from home! It's my big chance to have an epic summer romance with someone I'll probably never see again!"

"Yeah, but do you need to flirt with every guy you meet?" Dipper replies " You even flirted with ME and DAD!"

"The Fanfic I read seems to indicate It's a possibility!, Besides I got a good feeling about this summer. I wouldn't be surprised if the man of my dreams walked through that door right now!"

Stan, while looking especially fat, Walks through said door frame

"Ew!" Mable shuddered, While Dipper gurgled laughter in his corner of the room.

"Do I flirt With HIM now? Asked Mabel Silently to nobody in particular.

"Hey, look alive, people. I need someone to go hammer up these signs in the spooky part of the forest." Stan Interrupts

"Not it!" Yell Mabel and Dipper, one after another

"Not it!" Boos Soos's Ghost, While trying to levitate a screwdriver in such a way to fix a light, and while not succeeding, not really failing either.

"I Wasn't Talking to you, Soos"

Wendy Completely ignored Stan while reading a magazine

"Hacker, I need you to- wait, you wouldn't help me"

HackerX-3-2-11, (The man who, From your limited perspective, is going to replace Wendy) who, as if actually paying attention to Stan, said "I'm Feeling light headed and can't"

"I just said that you wouldn't help me, Kid!"

"Sure"

"That's It, I'd fire all of you if I could. All right, let's make it... Eenie, Meenie, Miney... you." Stan Decided, Pointing at Dipper.

"Be careful Son!" Wendy called, over her magazine

"Wait!" pauses Dipper "Grunkle Stan, Dad, whenever I'm in those woods, I feel like I'm being in danger."

"Not again" everyone grumbles

"Guys," Dipper pleads "I'm telling you, something really dangerous and mean is going on in these woods. Just this afternoon, my mosquito bites insulted me"

Stan, after glancing at Dipper's arm, replies " I admit the bugs do seem to have colorful language, But You probably learned worse words in school"

Wendy glances over and chips in " Don't Curse kids"

Stan Continues "Look, kid. The whole "monster in the forest" thing is just a local legend, drummed up by guys like me to sell merch to people like him." (He points to a fat guy giggling at a bobblehead)

"So Go On and quit being paranoid"

 **-Time Skip-**

Dipper was walking through the forest, hammering up signs, starting to mutter about how cold it was without his Pitt Cola When suddenly,

BANG!

He hit a tree, but it sounded like metal... Heavy Metal...

(get it? The metal made a noise, but I said it was heavy metal, so the... ha... oh, nevermind)

Pulling the on metallic wedge revealed it as a door with some switches behind it, ones swiftly dealt with by Dipper:

CLICK! CLICK!

goes the metal as Dipper flips all the switches

WHOOSH! (which the sound of a door opening)

Dipper Flinches at the sudden expulsion of new noise. When he recovers, he tries again.

WHOOSH!

Yes, This is most definitely the switch doing the switching.

WHOOSH!

That switch, all right, All righty!

WHOOSH!

Uh... Dipper, the switch has been flipped

WHOOSH!

Oh, I get it.

WHOOSH

See, Dipper, think about it: what would a "whoosh" like sound do?

WHOOSH

Oh, come on Dipper, you're not that stupid- well, actually, ...

"HEY!" Defends Dipper "I know what to do now, I just need the switch in the on position!

Pft... Anyway, Now finally off the switch, Dipper glances around, looking for the cause of-

WHOOSH!

I thought we were done with that?

WHOOSH!

"We are, but I'm using the motion of whatever's opening to figure out where it is."

Oh, well Dipper does exactly that, and he reaps the sweet reward: the journal.

Glancing through it swiftly, he is amazed at how he was totally right, that the forest is full of dangers, and that the author said to TRUST NO-

"HEY BRO BRO!" Mabel Shouts in greeting with her full lung capacity.

"Aaaaaaaaaah" Screams Dipper before calming down

"Whatcha readin', some nerd thing?"

"Uh, uh, it's nothing!"

"HA! What? Are you actually not gonna show me?"

"Let's Keep This a Secret"

 **\- Time Skip-**

"What?" Asks Wendy, in total disbelief, because as you know, no secret that ever involves Wendy is ever getting out, and Mabel and Dipper tend to exploit that to its full capacity.

Dipper Replies ecstatically: "It's amazing! You Guys said I was being paranoid, but according to this book, Gravity Falls has this secret dark side!"

"That is really cool!" agrees Mabel

"Yeah But-" Wendy tries to argue before being interrupted

BING-BONG

"What? Who Was That?" asks Dipper

Mabel does a giggle squeal combo "Well, time to spill the beans. " she then, comedically, Knocks over a can of beans "Boop. Beans. This girl's got a date! Woot Woot!"

"Hold on" Questions Dipper "Let me get this straight: in the hour I was gone, ..."

"... And I was here the whole time ..." Wendy interrupts

"... you already found a boyfriend?" Questionly concludes Dipper.

"What can I say? I guess I'm just IRRESISTIBLE!" Mabel explains

Stan walks in "What are you guys talking about?"

Dipper hides the journal and replaces it with... "Gold Chains For Old Men Magazine?".

"That's a good issue" notes Stan

Mabel Bursts in Suddenly "Hey, family! Say hello to my new boyfriend!"

Norman said "'Sup"

"Hey ..." Replied the family

"His name is Norman, and We met at the cemetery. He's really deep."

In the background, You could hear Wendy mutter "she went to a cemetery?", But everyone ignored her because it's Mabel, and you don't question Mabel if you want to keep your sanity.

"So, you wanna go hold hands or... whatever?" Norman Questions Mabel.

"Oh, oh, my goodness." Mabel Giggled while running out "Don't wait up!"

"He was Odd" Stan Remarked

 **-Time Skip-**

As it turns out, Dipper felt he was so odd, he looked in a book

"Known for their pale skin and bad attitudes," Dipper Reads from the book in a bad Siri impression "these creatures are often mistaken for... teenagers?! Beware Gravity Falls's nefarious... ZOMBIE!"

 **-Meanwhile-**

"Somebody say "Crombie"? What is that, Crombie? That's not even a word. You're losing your mind." Stan questions to himself.

"Isn't some kind of cinnamon roll or something?" Wendy Asks

"I Dunno..."

 **-Now back to the action-**

"AAAA..." Shouts Dipper as he watches Norman Gait over to Mabel

"Huh?" Asks Norman when he hands Mabel some flowers

" Daisies? You scallywag..." Mabel replies to Norman while feeling completely safe

"Dipper!" Dipper says 3rd personly "Do you really think your sister is dating a zombie or are you crazy? Why do I kinda think toward the latter?"

"It's a dilemma, to be sure," Soos-The-Ghost says, "Especially that second one, But, I couldn't help but overhear you talkin' aloud to yourself in the third person in this empty room."

"Soos!" Dipper jumps at the opportunity "You saw Norman! He's gotta be a zombie, right?"

"How many brains Didya see the guy eat?" Soos Ghost Reasons, while Dipper shrinks from defeat in the background "Look, dude, I believe you. I'm always noticing weird stuff in this town. Like the Pizza Delivery Man? Pretty sure that dude's a Vampire. But you gotta have evidence. Otherwise, people are gonna think you're a major league cuckoo clock."

"Huh," Dipper thinks, reasons, then agrees "As always, Soos, you're right."

"My wisdom is both a blessing and a curse. As is my now infinite life" Soos ponders while going to clean the toilets. (What? Ghosts can see the future, Duh.)

"I Need evidence, Dipper!" Dipper informs himself

 **-Time Skip-**

"I've Watched them all day!" frustratedly shouted Dipper. He throws his camera down and himself into a chair behind him and just quietly sits, contemplates life, and sips Pitt Cola for a while.

Wendy, Stan, and Hacker, after having all gotten over wondering why he was talking to himself, went back to playing their poker game.

"place another bet Wendy" Stan gloats, having won thrice in a row.

"That's it, I'm going all in" Wendy decrees

"That confident" Stan chuckles

"Nah, She just wants this to be the last round," Hacker says tauntingly, having almost won once and convinced he will succeed.

Wendy growls in response.

"Guys Be quiet!" Dipper Whines "I'm trying to sulk"

Hacker, Taking the growl as a challenge and ignoring Dipper, figures "You know what? I'm all in Too."

Dipper sighs and picks up the camera again, catching just barely Norman putting his hand back on.

"Hah!" Stan Gloats harder "I'm all in Too!"

Wendy, Recognizing her opportunity to Strike "HA! I have a -"

"AAAAAAAAAAH" Shouts Dipper, knocking his chair over, his drink everywhere, himself onto the floor, And interrupting Wendy's big break. " I was right! Stan! Dad! I-"

"Kid!" Shouts Stan "Calm Down and figure it out outside!"

"But I- AAH! MABEL! TROUBLE!" Dipper frantically tells "I'll Save you, Mabel!"

He runs out just as chaotically and frantically as what he just said.

"What was that about?" Stan Questions his poker partners, who just shrug until Wendy retries her triumph: "I have a Royal Flush, By the way"

...

Leaving the shack behind, Dipper runs out and luckily, Sees Soos fixing a golf cart. Running up to him, Soos hands him a shovel.

This stalls Dipper enough for him to also receive the keys and a "good luck" from Soos.

"how did you know-" Dipper tries to question before he realized Soos vanished. Surprisingly, Dipper apparently Didn't know that ghosts slightly know the future, and-

"Ghosts Don't Work like that"

Well too bad, they do now. Go save Mabel.

"OH NO! MABEL!" Dipper shouts, his mind on his sister as he drove into the forest

 **-Meanwhile-**

"Wait, did Dipper say Mabel was in trouble?" Wendy Suddenly Realized.

 **-Meanwhile-**

"Finally, we're alone," Mabel notes dreamily while staring into Norman's eyes.

"Yes, Alone" Norman Agrees "Uh, Mabel, now that we've gotten to know each other, there's, Uh, there's something I should tell you."

"Please Be a Vampire"

"What?"

"You Didn't hear that."

"Oh, well, Anyway, Mabel, all right, just... just don't freak out, okay? Just... just keep an open mind, be cool! We're-"

"A VAMPI-re?" Mabel Sputters out as Norman is revealed to be gnomes

"Is this too weird? Do you need to sit down?"

"..."

"Right, I'll explain. So! We're gnomes."

"..."

"I'm Jeff, and here we have Steve, Carl, Bob, and uh, Shembulock. almost forgot his name there"

"That explains the odd muscle locations"

"Anyways, long story short, us gnomes have been lookin' for a new queen!"

"Because, the uh, spot on his arm was just, was a hat or something"

" So what do you say? Will you join us in holy matrignomey? "

"Heh, Heh, Heh"

"Mabel, are you okay?"

"Heh, -Huh, oh, I guess I'm ok"

"Well, then? holy matrignomey?"

"Oh, well, about that, Look... I'm sorry, guys. You're really sweet, but, I'm a vegan, and you're gnomes, and it's like, 'how'? Yikes..."

"We understand- Wait, your VEGAN? now we're definitely going to kidnap you"

"Wait, wha- AAAAAAAHH!"

 **-Time Skip-**

"I'm Coming, Mabel!" Dipper shouted for the umpteenth time.

"HELP" Shouts Mabel, but her shouting came from far away, so it was more like _"help"_

"MABEL? I'M COMING TO HELP!" Dipper shouted like he was a professional yeller

 **-Then-**

 _"_ mabel _?_ i'm _coming to help!"_ Was faintly heard amongst the forest.

"WAIT FOR ME!" Wendy shouted at velocity while hacking through shrubbery

 **-Then-**

 _"wait for me!"_ Was heard faintly by the port-a-potties.

"Huh? Wait for you? Sure, ham bone, When you're done, say PICKLES!" Soos said, shouting the last word really loudly so the non-existent person in the toilet would know.

 **-Then-**

 _"pickles"_ was faintly heard by the parking lot.

"Huh?" Responded Hackerx3-2-11 "Oh, Soos must be ordering something. SOOS! I WANT A PIZZA"

 **-Then-**

"Huh? Did some one say "Cheesa?" What is that? female cheese?" Stan pondered aloud "Huh... Female Cheese..."

 **-Back To The Action-**

"The more you struggle, the more awkward this is gonna be for everybody!" Calls out Jeff "Just, ha ha, okay. Get her arm there, Steve!"

"Let go of me!" cries Mabel

Dipper, who arrives at this confusing scene, asks "What is going on here?"

"Dipper!" Mabel cries "Norman turned out to be a bunch of gnomes! And they're total jerks!"

As she cries this, she is pinned to the ground and tied up.

"Hey! Let Go of my sister!" Dipper shouts bravely

A random gnome growls at him and scares him.

Suddenly, Wendy leaps out of the forest and shouts more authentically brave: "HEY! let go of my daughter!"

"Oh! Haha, hey, there!" Jeff Diplomatically responds "Um, you know, this is all really just a big misunderstanding. You see, she's not in danger at all. She's just marrying all one thousand of us and becoming our gnome queen for all eternity! Isn't that right, honey?"

Mabel, in an amazing moment of dignity and freedom, states "You guys are butt-faces!"

Dipper, having regained his dignity, bravely bargains with his shovel: "Give her back right now, or else!"

"You think you can stop us?" Cackles Jeff maniacally "You have no idea what we're capable of. The gnomes are a powerful race! Do not trifle with the-"

WHAM!

"What?" Wendy asks as all attention turns to her. "Soos gave me a bat, and he seems pinata-esque enough to me!"

Dipper shrugs and cuts Mabel free with his shovel, and the family drives away in the cart.

A few minutes later, Dipper stops the cart.

"Hurry, before they come after us!" Mabel Figures

"Calm down, Mabel. I wouldn't worry about it. See their little legs? Those suckers are tiny!" Dipper Reasons

"Yeah, Mabel, we could walk back and be fine" Wendy says overconfidently.

THUMP!

"What was that?" All of them say simultaneously

THUMP! THUMP!

Looking back, they see-

THUMP! THUMP! THUMP!

"A GIANT MONSTER MADE OF GNOMES!" Wendy Shouts

"Move! Move!" Mabel Encourages

"AAAAHH" Panics Dipper, driving at full throttle down the road.

THUMP!

PEW! PEW!

"AAAH!" Screams Wendy "CLICHE SHOOTING NOISES!"

"I'm a little More Worried at ALL THE GNOMES HE THROWING AT US THAN THE SOUND IT MAKES!" Mabel Soundly Reasons

"AAAAHH" Panics Dipper, while swerving left and right to avoid the gnomes flying at them.

THUMP! THUMP!

"WATCH FOR THE SIGN" Cries Wendy

"The sign? Like a bird call? Oh- AAAAAAAAAAAH" Screams Mabel

"AAAAHH" Panics Dipper, Trying to quickly decide between crushed by monster or cart crash.

CRASH!

"AAAAAAAAAHH" they all cry while falling towards the Mystery Shack

SLAM!

The cart impacts the ground and partially crumbles under its own momentum. Luckily, Everyone involved in the car crash is safe.

Unfortunately, I meant from the crash itself and didn't include giant gnome monsters in my statement.

"ROAR!" Screeches the gnome monster

"Stay back!" Wendy shouts, having recovered from the wreckage first.

THUMP!

The gnome creature took another step.

"RAAUGH!" Shouts Wendy, bravely charging the monster.

The monster picked up Wendy and threw her through the window into the Mystery Shack. The window had glass in it, too, So, ouch.

"It's the end of the line!" Jeff Shouts from atop the beast "Mabel, marry us before we do something worse!"

"There's gotta be a way out of this!" Dipper tells Mabel

"I gotta do it, Dipper"

"What?! Mabel, don't do this! Are you crazy?"

"Trust me."

"What?"

"Dipper, just this once. Trust me!"

Dipper, although confused, backed away to the side

"All right, Jeff." Mabel Decrees "I'll marry you."

Jeff ecstatically replies, "Hot dog!" And after Climbing down the giant gnome and giving Mabel a ring, "Bada-bing, Bada-boom! Now let's get you back into the forest, honey!

"You may now kiss the bride!" Mabel says cheesily

"Well," Jeff decides "don't mind if I do-AAH!

VVVVRRRRR!

"What's wrong with this Leaf blower?" Mabel pauses to question

look, I tried, ok? noises can be hard.

After shrugging, Mabel shouts, "This is for fooling me thrice!"

PEW!

and shoots Jeff towards the gnome monster where-

BOOM!

the monster explodes.

"You Did it!" Shouts Dipper

after blowing a couple more gnomes away, Mabel responds with "Yup!"

"Wait, Thrice?"

"Yeah, once when he dated me, second when he kidnapped me, and third when... Uh... Reasons Happened"

This made Dipper raise an eyebrow, but he did not question.

 **-Time Skip-**

"Yeesh. You guys get hit by a bus or something?" Stan questions from his position of counting the money he earned from his latest attraction, The 100% Female Cheese!

Mabel, Dipper, and Wendy ignore him until-

"Uh, hey! W-wouldn't you know it? Um, I accidentally overstocked some inventory, so, uh... how's about each of you take one item from the gift shop? On the house, y'know?"

"Really? Ask Both Wendy and Mabel, Although completely different in tone

"What's the catch?" questions Dipper

"Yes, and the catch is: do it before I change my mind, now take something," Stan answered gruffly

Dipper picked out a hat, Mabel picked out a "Grappling Hook!" (which was questioned) and Wendy picked out a "granola bar"?

"Umm... Don't you want something more, usable?" Stan asked

"You want a granola bar?" Asked Dipper

"What Flavour?" Asked Mabel

* * *

 **So this Story took me three days to write. I can see why people don't upload every day now. Anyway, please remember, that If You don't complain about my inadequacies in the Reviews, I won't improve!**


	3. Wood Flooring (Or how Mabel KOs Glitter)

**So, I'm writing this story with two kinds of chapters(or that's my plan, anyway): Plot and Filler. Plot chapters are going to be edited versions of episodes (even the non-plot oriented episodes are going to be considered plot chapters). Filler chapters are going to be everything else, usually a bonus chapter that fits into my timeline for the story but contributes little to the plot. Or is Backstory. I will NOT guarantee There will be back-and-forth pattern between the Filler and Plot Chapters.**

 **I don't own gravity falls, nor the writing skills of it.**

 **Also, my current goal to update this is once a week.**

* * *

Ah, the stroke of dawn...

A lovely time for both morning people and all-nighters.

The sun is (almost) Shining, the birds are singing.

This is the lovely time of day when Hackerx3-2-11 wakes up and starts the job that pays the bills.

What? The Mystery Shack? Don't be silly, Hackerx3-2-11 did not go by his internet username for no reason. Effectively being the Stan Pines of the internet, he scammed himself a 1,000$ paycheck once a week for about 3 hours of work. Why? Well, his mother decided that physical scamming was better than electrical and signed him up for the Mystery Shack job. He argued with Stan an hour and promptly got fired. After another hour arguing with Stan, his job was decided: he would work the Mystery Shack, pretending that is where his paycheck is coming from, in exchange for free labor for Stan*.

(*All terms and conditions not mentioned here)

 **-And So His Life Continued-**

That doesn't mean he didn't have an opinion, however.

"The Floor looks Terrible!"

"Dude." Soos tried to explain with his ghostly knowledge "It's stains and cracks: the only way to remove them is to replace The flooring."

"But-"

"Kid, Soos has told you that fifty times already!" Stan complained, fed up with his lazy lollygagging employee

"Why don't you replace it, then?"

"Kid, a floor is a floor is a floor is a floor"

"And, like, not a door, dude," Soos Added, specifically to be helpful "or a drawer, in this store. Yeah"

"It's ruined and musty!"

"It's part of the Rustic charm!" Soos explained.

"Yeah, kid, what Soos says." Stan agrees.

"I third that!" Mabel, having just entered, decrees.

"I don't know the complete truth of that statement," Dipper says, stepping over a cracked section of the floor that couldn't look more unstable if there was a warning sign there "But the floor does look like it needs repairing..."

"Seems fine to me" Wendy mentions while passing by.

"I fifth that," Mabel says at high velocity.

...

Hackerx3-2-11 glares for a bit, before sighing: "If I pay, can we fix it?"

"It would need to be a certain color of tan, dude" Soos decided

"That's okay with me" Stan figured

"If I can get some glitter!" Mabel bargained

"How would you pay for that if..." Dipper hypothesized

"Sure, But no glitter for Mabel," Wendy said

"Glitter or no deal" Mabel fought.

After tapping a few buttons, (he just copy, pasted, and plagiarized some hacks from the internet) Hackerx3-2-11 placed his feet on the floor, stood up, and straightened his back.

"Who wants to go to the store?"

 **-Time Skip-**

"WHEN YOU SAID YOU WOULD DRIVE I HAD NO IDEA YOU MEANT TO FLIPPEN HADES PALACE," Wendy Screamed (I censored her actual dialogue a wee bit)

"I DON'T WANNA DIE!" Shouts Dipper

"ARE THERE CATS IN HEAVEN?" Mabel questions loudly

"I'M NOT THAT BAD" Stan shouts over the horns of nearby traffic.

"Watch out for that truck, Mr. Pines" Soos calmly states

"Hold on- There!," Hackerx3-2-11 Interrupts, while the whole car shuttered down to a reasonable 10 mph over the speed limit and straightened out in the lane.

"I CAN'T CONTROL IT ANYMORE!" Stan panics

"WE'RE SAFE!" Wendy says, tears of joy in her eyes.

"CALM DOWN," Hackerx3-2-11 explains "I hacked the car and am now driving it through wifi"

...

"We're safe?" questions Stan at Wendy's rather insulting response.

 **-Time Skip-**

"And we're here!" Hackerx3-2-11 proudly states.

"This isn't a through street" Dipper notes

 **-Time Skip-**

"And we're here!" Hackerx3-2-11 proudly states.

"This is a one-way street" Dipper notes

 **-Time Skip-**

"And we're here!" Hackerx3-2-11 semi-proudly states.

"This is-

"FINE! I GIVE UP!" Hackerx3-2-11 cries, faceplanting like a rock

"Umm... I was gonna say your right..." Dipper says

"Don't cry, Third times the charm, after all!" Mabel points out

"Yeah, dude, slow and steady wins the race" Soos Agrees

"Kid, people will let ya mess up a bunch if you're better than the alternative. Which is me." Stan explains

Wendy was too busy apologizing to all the people on her contact list about the frantic calls to notice anything going on.

"Let's just go get the stupid wood." Hackerx3-2-11 redirects

"And my glitter!" Mabel exclaims while jumping out the car.

 **-Time Skip-**

"Again?" Stan exclaimed

"Sorry, sir, but you are banned from this location due to your numerous crimes" The security guard explained

"Like What?" Stan Defended.

"Like Co-"

"Nevermind, But what are you gonna do about it?"

"You know as well as I do, that I have no way to enforce that."

"So..."

"You can physically pass me by and I can't stop you"

"AHEM!" Soos says "You never can do nothing, dawg, So why do you always stop Mr. Pines?"

After a few seconds, the security guard admits, "My boss asked me to be proactive, and stopping you ever time you enter is as much I can do."

...

"That's actually really sad" Mabel notes

 **-Time Skip-**

"And here we are, the home-improvement-and-other-stuff-center-of-the-mall!" Hackerx3-2-11 exclaims

"Did they really name this place 'HIOSCOM'?" Dipper questions

"What about the final 'the'? Why did 'of' get a letter for the acronym but not the 'the'?" Mabel ponders

"(b)Oooooh, the copier store is open!" Soos realizes, slowly drifting off in that vicinity.

"Wait..." Wendy mutters as she spots something very interesting "Is that a-"

"NOPE, That's nothing. Go get wood or something" Stan lies badly, as he tries to keep Wendy from heading off in the vicinity of what he was trying to hide.

He Failed.

"Hey, look a glitter store!" Mabel realizes before running off.

And that's how Dipper and Hackerx3-2-11 had the opportunity of an adventure of getting new hardwood floors for the Mystery Shack.

"Well," Hacke-

"Actually, I'm going to keep an eye on Mabel," Dipper said.

And that's how Hackerx3-2-11 alone had the opportunity of an adventure of getting new hardwood floors for the Mystery Shack.

 **-POV Change-**

"That's where you're getting all your tricks? A discount magic shop?" Wendy questions in disbelief

"Well, only the flash bangs and stuff" Stan finally admitted, knowing that lying while literally next to evidence to the contrary is a bad idea

"He also bought a magic shovel!" The shopkeeper mentions.

"Besides, It's like super cheap here! It's actually less efficient to steal this stuff" Stan said, gesturing over to the Buy one get one free 1$ 283-pack of croutons, Now half off with any purchase of over 1$ or any purchase that includes playing cards, Discounts stackable.

"Wait, everything in this store costs a dollar or more or includes playing cards..." Wendy realizes

"So?" Questions the shopkeeper

 **-POV Change-**

"Ha! I'm Copying myself" Soos chuckled.

"Hi, Copy Soos" Soos held the paper copy of himself up and started moving the head up and down as if it were speaking

"Hi, Real Soos!" Soos said in a bad imitation of his own voice "Let's be friends!"

"Are you done with the copier yet?" A random guy waiting to use said machine asks

"Heh, Sure Dude" Soos answers dejectedly, and he moves out of the way, taking his paper copy with him.

 **-POV Change-**

"AAAH! GLITTER MONSTER!" Mabel runs and screams for her life.

Oh, sorry, Mabel screams and runs for her life.

...

What? That's an easy mistake to make!

 **-POV Change-**

"Where is Dipper?" Dipper asks himself, lost within the catacomb-like maze of passages throughout the mall. "Dipper could have gone this way, or this way or that way- Wait, I've seen that rock before"

 **-POV Change-**

"AAAH! GLITTER MONSTER!" Mabel runs and screams the other way for her life.

Whoops, did it again: Mabel screams and runs the other way for her life.

...

What?

 **-Time Skip-**

"Where are they?" Wendy asked, standing outside the HIOSCOM store.

"Instead of asking unsolvable questions, could you help me?" Hackerx3-2-11 asked, his arms unbelievably full of wood planks, wood glue, wood stainer, and various wood tools that could be used to put in a wood floor.

"I don't know how you made it out of the store like that, kid" Stan Noted, which was a completely valid note to take as Hackerx3-2-11 looked ready to collapse.

"Oh, hey guys!" Soos greeted, coming from seemingly out of the floor. Sure, he _is_ a ghost, so he _could_ have come from there, But you never know for certain.

"Hi guys," A creature seemingly made of glitter said at high velocity

"AAAAAH GLITTER MONSTER!" Everyone, in the general area, screamed.

"HE'S BACK?" The GlitterBeast panicked.

"Wait-Mabel?" Dipper asked, having seemingly come out of the floor.

"Yeah?"

"Why are you covered in glit-Wait, did you say 'He's Back'?"

"I fought a glitter monster. I'm wearing its skin now. And I'm never leaving home without my grappling hook or my hand sanitizer again. or dating arts-and-crafts people!"

No one was sure how to respond to that, so Stan pretended he didn't hear it at all. "Dipper, did you come out of the floor?"

"Well," Dipper admitted, "I got lost."

"I don't understand anyone in this family," Hackerx3-2-11 sighed, before, "AND WILL SOMEONE HELP ME CARRY THIS WOOD!"

 **-Time Skip-**

Ah, Midnight...

A lovely time for both insomniacs and all-nighters.

The moon is (almost) full, the crickets are chirping.

This is the lovely time of day when Hackerx3-2-11 Finishes hammering in the last plank of wood and goes home.

What? Stan's secrets? Don't be silly, Stan did not get by for 30 years by not having a flexible schedule. Effectively being the Hackerx3-2-11 of the real world, he conned himself business from dawn to dusk and left many, many indistinguishable hours to do what he had too. Why? Well, I can't spoil anything, can I?

* * *

 **Whew, this took a while(A week, basically).**

 **Give me Advice or Watch me Suffer! (From bad writing)**

 **Because I think ahead, Here's a Spoiler for the next filler chapter for those who want some ciphering to do:**

 **Qbdjgjdb't Csp Mpwft Qjofbqqmft.**

 **(Hint: Second word is Bro, the third word is Loves)**

 **It counts as weekly if I can get it in by midnight, Right?**


	4. Stories Of Tom, Pineapples, And MORE!

**Yes, yes. I know what you're thinking: "I know he said that it wouldn't be a back-and-forth between filler and chapter, But I thought that episode 2 is coming out!" Yeah, well, but I procrastinate a lot and while these filler chapters to write take longer, they are also usually easier to make. I don't own gravity falls or anything else, really. also, I'd like to apologize to that one author I read and complained about his update times. I am sorry.**

* * *

Children.

Some say, "God's Gift"

some, "spoiled brats"

Others just let out a muffled or screamed string of profanities.

I think every parent, even the bad ones, feels the need to Teach their children enough to prepare them for the outside world.

But, Honestly, Be grateful the Northwests taught their son the concept of "Zero Fruit" and "Getting what you want most, not all, of the time"

 **-An Unknown pre-Summer Date-**

"YES!" Thomas Aqua Northwest(Tom) at an enthusiasm that would make Mabel jealous, cry, and commit suic- nevermind. "PINEAPPLES!",Immediately reaching to the center of the table for them

"Yes, Darling- Don't eat them all at once. You'll get a stomach ache." Priscilla, his mom, stated, flinching at his use of a nearby vegetable knife in comparison to a fruit one. "Dear."

Tom, Having been scolded many times, thinks about what he is doing, and corrects his action by using a fruit knife supplied by a nearby Butler.

Pacifica, being used to the starting dramatics of dinner, eats quietly.

Preston, sitting in his usual seat at the head of the table, Decides to intervene in an uncommon, but not unheard of, way: "Thomas, Eat your dinner quietly like your sister."

Had Pacifica not been "As close to perfect as you can be", she would have dropped her fork.

"Pacifica," Preston warned " A Northwest is perfect. You are a Northwest. Is that news to you?"

"No, father," Pacifica Said

"Good. Hold your fork properly, and Do Not Drop it again"

They Finished dinner in silence.

 **-A Slightly More Known, Unknown pre-Summer Date-**

With a tip of his father's head, Tom approached the microphone:

"Howdy, all! You should all know me, Thomas Northwest, great-great grandkid of the town-founder, Nathaniel Northwest, who in-"

"Ahem" Preston clears his throat, clearly signaling for his son to not inform the crowd about whatever connection his grandfather had about pineapples.

"afterGravityFallswasfoundedsetupasmalltableoffoodinthemiddleoftownforthepoorerpeopleandoneofthedisheswasapineapple. Now if you've got a pioneer spirit, we ask you come up and say hi." Tom Shortened his speech.

His Father grimaced internally, but let it slide and refocused his attention to his daughter: "Next year, Pacifica, It'll be your time to do this."

Pacifica felt worried but figured that she could do it at least as well as her brother, even though he had more experience, and next year would be her first time doing this.

 **-The Summer Before The Twins-**

"Please?" Tom asked, his eyes almost seeming to brighten with hope.

"I'll See if I can fit in pineapple somewhere." Pacifica finally said, tired of all the begging.

"THAN- You're not even going to think about it, are you?" Tom says, going from heavenly joy to bottom of a trash heap in a matter of seconds(and for the record, not a trash heap with pineapples in it).

"But It's My first time ever introducing Pioneer Day. Maybe next year?" Pacifica asks.

"I'm holding you to it!" Tom decrees.

 **-When He Was Once Asked To Watch His Younger Cousin-**

And so, Tom told them a bedtime story: "Once upon a time, in a land far far away, there was a duck named Bark-th, who was enamored in the mystical land of old, and more importantly, the mystic ways of pineapples. Bark the-"

"I thought his name was Barkth?" the kid being watched asked.

Tom sighed and continued his tale: "Barkth the duck knew of three mystic pineapples: The pineapple of power, the pineapple of courage, and the pineapple of wisdom. When used in conjunction, they would grant the user to defeat anything. One day, an evil monster kidnapped his sister. Bark the-"

"Barkth the duck."

"Barkth the duck knew he would have to find these three pineapples to defeat the monster.-"

"What animal is the Monster?"

"Uhh, Pig?"

"So you're ripping off the Legend Of Zelda?"

The pause between that question and its response was as uncomfortable as a tiny shirt, But Tom did manage to make the response kinda snarky, so okay.

"Well, Then you know how the story ends then. Goodnight then."

And with that Tom left the room, the kid given a story, and a job well done.

 **-Some Optional Information-**

Three Days.

Preston was going mad.

It had been Three whole Days.

Didn't kids die in three days without food or water?

Pacifica was starting to pipe up about, and she'd been nothing but a word-by-word follower of his instructions.

Three whole Days.

He looked about his office, his scowl deepening.

His office, to him, was noticeably smaller due to the recently added soundproofing.

In reality, the expert carpenters had made it impossible to notice unless you knew it used to be bigger.

He Didn't dare leave.

If he left he would cave.

Preston Blaine Northwest does not cave, now or ever!

...

...

...

Four Days.

Preston was going mad.

It had been four whole days.

Preston Blaine Northwest... Had had enough.

He opened his office door...

...Left his room...

...Listened to the sound of his son screaming for the fruit that was his obsession...

... And Caved.

"WE CAN HAVE YOUR STUPID FRUIT FOR DINNER!" Preston shouted at a volume he'd never assumed possible.

Like magic, Tom had unlocked his door and bolted into the dining hall before Preston could take his next step.

 **-Things For Sale-**

"I'm Sorry, sir, but you will be glad to hear your father has made his business very interesting as of late." Jeffens, the jack of all trades(or whatever they order) , said.

Tom sighed and reluctantly took the file and looked at the latest business report.

His father was trying to get him to know how to work business- Wait, what is that he sees?

"WE BOUGHT A PINEAPPLE SHIPPING COMPANY?"

Honestly, You have to give the Northwests some credit for knowing how to get what they want.

 **-When Pigs Or The Other Fly-**

"What do you mean there are no pineapples?" Tom shouted, his face full of disbelief

"I'm Sorry Sir," Apologizes for an airline stewardess that is not to be named here.

"But Your flier Says you serve everything you could want!"

"Not everyone wants pineapples"

"THAT'S FALSE ADVERTISING!"

"Sir, I am only a stewardess. The only adds I make are when I'm calculating my paycheck."

"Well then, GET ME YOUR MANAGER"

"Sir We are in an airplane, 30,000 feet in the air."

"Can You AT LEAST file a complaint?"

"Yes Sir, that is customary even had you not asked for that"

"Thank You for THAT, I guess."

Pacifica, seeing her chance, finally ordered something:

"Can I have a Shrimp Steak- Steak extra rare, Shrimp Prosciutto wrapped, A Buddha Jumps Over the Wall soup as a side, and some apple juice. Get my brother a Cheesecake."

"Yes, Thank you, Ma'am" The Stewardess replied, glad to finally have an order she can handle.

 **-Tom Gets A Friend-**

"What?" Tom asks confounded.

"Well, I said that having an obsession on pineapples is your thing, and that's cool," Alcott said, who was practically the nerd of the rich world. So a rich nerd, basically.

"I heard what you said but, usually people just shrug it off, if anything" Tom defended.

"Dude, My mom has like a mini mansion, made out of clothespins, full of clothespins. She has furniture, made out of clothespins, just to hold more clothespins. She has clothespin mannequins wearing clothespin clothing with clothespin designs on them. I can handle a guy who likes to eat pineapples." Alcott explained

After stopping and thinking about this, Tom decided something: "What's your thing?"

Alcott stepped back and began his tale:

"Puns Popularize Puzzles, Perset Perform the Practice-"

"Are you saying a paragraph that has all the words start with 'P'?" Tom interrupted.

"Well, I was trying to, but some words are hard to project meanings onto," Alcott admitted

"What?"

"Well, For example, homophones and conjunctions. There isn't a lot of them and I couldn't think of any replacements off the top of my head."

"But Don't homophones start with "p" regardless? And you didn't say any homophones!"

"Well, yes, but if you think the sentence doesn't make sense, then it doesn't matter if it does or not, And technically I did."

Five Hours Later

"NO!" Tom blasted with full force, " THAT IS NOT TECHNICALLY A PROJECTION!"

"IT IS TOO!" Blasted Alcott right back

 **-A Very Important Date: hPF qTYF xL lPZLP hPF uAGYPlFHYH SSAYS hA sF sFYYFG oTGFLYH.-**

"Fine." Tom said, "I'll Make A Deal, Bill."

Bill Cipher cackled with laughter while Tom shook his hand.

* * *

 **I Expanded My definition of a week. And Got it in before midnight. I Also gave you all a really hard cipher(Hint: Some letters, like "S" and "L" are used twice). Make sure to come back to this chapter often, because I have some more ideas and I ran out of time. Anyway, I'm Thinking of making some sorta picture for this story. Also, leave some reviews to let me know how I'm terrible. AND I PROMISE TO HAVE NEXT WEEK'S CHAPTER THE NEXT EPISODE. Also, I used a different document style, so if there are more spelling errors than usual, That is why. See You! Please Review!**

 **(Hint: SSAYS="Got")**


	5. The Gobblewonker(or Mabel makes fashion)

**Hey, quick- ever go back and read previous chapters? Some got less cryptic! Anyway, As Promised, a chapter based on a concept I do not own. That is probably the weirdest disclaimer ever. Also, this chapter was totally on time...**

* * *

"I'm Not so sure..." Wendy Admitted.

"It'll be fine! I mean, It'll only be for a couple of hours- Whats the worst that could happen." Stan Deluded

Wendy whipped around and glared at him, face on.

"I could have to bail you out again," Wendy spat.

"Hey, You know what they say, Fool me twice, shame on me, and I don't ever get fooled." Stan pointed out.

Wendy Stops to consider this when their conversation is interrupted: By Hackerx3-2-11, face obstructed by his phone

"I think it would be Fool me twice, shame on you, and that you don't get shamed."

Stan Grumbled while Wendy sent a mock eyebrow towards him.

"Kid, You have today off. Why are you always begging to go home if ya come to work every time you have off?"

"Wait, What?"

"No Work, Kid"

"Oh, SHOOT!" Hacker yelled, running out.

As soon as he left, Stan went back to dealing with Wendy, "Come On! What happened to 'Bonding With Family'?"

Wendy Glared a bit more before making up her mind. "Fine"

As she left, Stan Silently congratulated himself, as he prepared for a fun day...

 **-Time Skip-**

"I wonder why," Mabel Wondered, "Wendy isn't yelling to go yet?"

Dipper was sitting nearby reading a newspaper:

"I'm not sure-Woah, no way! Hey, Mabel, check this out!"

"Human-sized hamster balls?" Mabel Freaks out "I'm human-sized!"

Dipper sits there abnormally quiet.

Mabel frowns, confused at her brother's sudden lack of speech.

Dipper remains quiet.

Quite Quiet.

Really Quiet.

AHEM

Mabel, Look where your brother is pointing.

"Monster Hunting For Creatures Like LakeDragon The Lake Dragon But Not Specifically Limited To LakeDragons?" Mabel says excitedly.

"Yeah! We see weirder stuff than that every day! We didn't get any photos of those gnomes, did we?"

"Nope, just memories. And this cool Cone Hat."

"Why did you save that?"

"I dunno. But We didn't finish our conversation earlier! Wendy was going to take me to-"

"YOUR PLANS ARE CANCELLED!" Stan interrupted, a grin on his face.

"You Bribed Her, didn't you." Dipper Deadpanned

"No. Anyway, we're cuttin' off work and having one of those, you know, bonding-type deals."

"Grunkle Stan, is this gonna be anything like our last family bonding day?"

"Don't worry, Wendy threatened me about that earlier. Now, who wants to put on some blindfolds and get into my car?"

 **-Time Skip-**

"You Drive Much better now, Grunkle Stan!" Mabel said while the car stopped.

Stan Grumbled, took a couple more screws out of the speed monitor 3000 (TM) that seemed impervious to being tampered with, and Got out of a car: " It's better if you wanna get to places at a measly 15 miles hour. Anyway, Open 'em up!"

Against his better judgment, Dipper raised his blindfold, but Mabel seemed to have some trouble.

"Mabel?" Stan asked.

"For Authenticity, I Glitter-Glued it to my face, and now I Can't take it off."

...

"Here," Said Dipper, being the problem solver he is, " I'll cut out the middle portion so you can see."

Having said that, he did so, and Mabel looked very fashionable with a line of cloth surrounding her eyes.

"Good. Now, Ta-da! It's Fishin' season!" Stan said, Posing dramatically in front of a larger cliff-hung banner

"Fishin'?" Mabel asked, confused

"What're you Playin' at?" Dipper asked, cautiously confused

"You're gonna love it! The whole town's out here!" Stan cried.

The twins looked out over the water.

"Grunkle Stan, why do you wanna Fish with us?" Dipper asked suspiciously

"Come on, this is gonna be great! I've never had fishing buddies before. The guys from the lodge won't go with me: they don't "trust" me."

Mabel and Dipper glance at each other, using twin telepathy to conversate. And, No, I can't tell you what they said. that would be an invasion of privacy.

"Hey, I know what'll cheer you sad sacks up!" Stan Says, whipping out a... Potato sack with a crude happy face on it? "It's just gonna be you, me, and some bad jokes on a boat for ten hours!"

"Ten Hours?" asks Dipper, scared

"Bad Jokes?" Asks Mabel, Terrified

"I bought a joke book!" Stan Decrees.

"No," Dipper says light-headedly, life flashing before his eyes

Mabel was too busy having a panic attack to respond, so we'll get back to her.

"I SAW INT AGAINB!" Mcgucket shouts at 12:54, his accent formed by crudely hitting the spacebar. "The GOBBLEWON-heyn nice hatb thing youngin'. I want me one of those-KERn! Itb chewed my nboat nup to smithereens," Mcgucket cries almost unintelligibly, "I triedb catchin' the nbeasty but he shim-shimmied over to Scuttlebutt nIsland! YOUSb GOTTA BELIEVE ME!"

After everyone laughed (and complimented Mabel on her face-thing), Dipper and Mabel saw their chance.

"Mabel!" Dipper whispered, " If we take a photo of that monster, ..."

(Que dream sequence)

"Grunkle Stan!" Dipper and Mabel plan "we're taking that boat to Scuttlebutt Island, and we're gonna find that Monster!"

"Hold on kiddos," Stan replies "let's think this through. Ya kids could go waste your time on some epic monster-finding adventure, or you could spend the day learning how to tie knots and skewer worms with your Great Uncle Stan!"

The twins don't even glance at each other: " MONSTER HUNT! MONSTER HUNT!"

"Well," Stan Ponders almost in a sarcastic taunt, "What if I refuse to Go?"

 **-Time Skip-**

"HOIST THE MAIN SAIL, DIPPER!" Mabel cried.

"We don't have a main sail Mabel- This is a motor boat." Dipper corrected.

That's right, The twins were sailing on their new Stan o' War (Now with 0% Stan!). What? Sure, they felt a little guilty kicking stan out of his own boat and abandoning him, But-

"NOPE, NO GUILT!" Dipper shouted while poorly motoring the boat toward the island.

"MONSTER HUNT! MONSTER HUNT! WOOHOO!" Shreiked Mabel

Nevermind then, They felt absolutely no guilt at all.

 **-Time Skip-**

RRRQQQUUUR

"The Monster!" Dipper whispered to Mabel.

"Are you ready?" Mabel said, the gleam that says 'I'm Always Ready' in her eyes

"On 3. 1 ...2 ...3!"

With that, The twins leaped out from behind a rock to see... A Beaver?

Two Beavers?

Two Beavers and a third off to the side with a chainsaw?

BBBBQQQQUUR

Yup.

Man, Noises can sound like a lot of different things sometimes.

"Well, This is great!" Dipper complained to himself as he started pacing back and forth "We found a couple of beavers! We're Sure to win the grand prize now!"

Mabel Stood uncharacteristically still, face toward the shore.

"I saw a bunny earlier; if we hurry we might be able to get one of those too."

She paled

"Hey, maybe if you bedazzle it, we'll get extra points! Right, Mabel?"

She Gulped

"Mabel?" Dipper questioned, Finally noticing her odd posture.

And then her predicament.

ROOOAARR!

* * *

 **Sorry for the interruption to your viewing experience, But You know how some fan fictions have Dipper join the cross-country/track team at school? Well, I can clearly see why, and Mabel probably weighs a good 100 pounds.**

* * *

After around 5 minutes (Huh. I could've sworn they were a good mile out.) of Dipper Ducking and Dodging through the forest, they arrive back at the boat. Dipper, after throwing Mabel aboard, jumps on the boat and starts pulling the starter cord like there's no tomorrow. The cord, amazingly, is used to getaways and, rather than snapping, starts the engine on the fourth try.

Determined to press his luck even further, Dipper Boats right across the lake. To escape from the Gobblewonker. The monster... THAT LITERALLY LIVES IN THE LAKE.

Dipper doesn't always have the brightest Ideas.

 **-Point Of View Change-**

Soos was excited. Usually when the whole "See the future Thing", it was so he would know how long his bathroom break was gonna be. Today, However, Was a dream come true. HE WAS GOING TO SEE A BEAVER WITH A CHAINSAW! He spent all day preparing for it. He shopped from 3 to 6 just for equipment. He spent several hours contemplating its epicness in his room. FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, HE BOUGHT A CAMERA STAND FOR A DISPOSABLE CAMERA! And that is how, at 1:32 precisely, He arrived at the dock. But ... There was no boat there. Mabel and Dipper were nowhere in sight. Stan was- Wait, STAN WAS SITTING ON THE END OF A DOCK FISHING?

That was definitely not in his ghost sense. What had happened? He spent the whole day preparing to see the beavers! He was definitely going to need dinosaur cookies.

 **-Back To the Action-**

"MABEL! HEAD TOWARD THE WATERFALL!" Dipper screeches "THERE MIGHT BE A CAVE BEHIND IT!"

"MIGHT BE?" Mabel screams, heading the boat in that direction.

...

Surprisingly, Running a boat full throttle aground into a cave behind a waterfall generated a lot of lift.

...

Dipper had never hit his head on a ceiling before.

Mabel was less concerned about petty things like that.

"WE'RE ALIVE!" She shouted, literally jumping for joy.

ROOOAARR!

With that, Both twins turn toward the entrance.

The GobbleWonker is there, Roaring and clawing, and trying to get through the entrance, and to the two tasty morsels in front of her.

Then, the unexpected happens. The Gobblewonker, as if grabbed by her back leg, was lifted out of the cave and into the air.

Mabel and Dipper look toward their unlikely hero.

It's... Another Gobblewonker?

Pssssssssh

It's a Gobblewonker whose head comes off as if by a hinge?

It's A Gobblewonker controlled by Mcgucket?

"Huh?" Mabel questions.

"YEEn-HAH! Myn son neverb comes out to see me, So I figuredn maybe I'db catch his fancyn with a fifteen-tonb aquatic nrobot To Destroy neverything! But nthen I bsaw that nad in the bnewspaper andb realized it would make me richn! Everyone loves Richn people! Thanks for findingb me the Gobblewonker!" Mcgucket shouts, his voice slowly fading away as he leaves the scene, Gobblewonker in tow.

"Wait," Dipper says, his mind not fully comprehending "He built a robot to destroy stuff because he wanted his son to see him?"

Mable thinks for a second before posing her own thought allowed: "Do You think Stan does that?"

"What?"

"I mean, He makes Taxidermy."

 **-Time Skip-**

Stan Sighs as he finally gives up: there was no fish by the pier.

"HEY!"

Stan whips his head around to find Dipper and Mabel pulling up in the Stan o' war.

"What the- Kids? I thought you two were off kidnapping monsters or something!"

"Yeah," Dipper replied, " Well, we spent all day trying to find a monster."

"But," Mabel says "we realized, the only monster we wanna hang out with is right here."

Stan starts to reply, But they have some more things to say.

"And," Dipper continues, sinking to one of the lowest forms of comedy, as he pulls out a potato sack "I'm Sorry we sacked your boat."

Mabel joins in: "Also, We're terrified of taxidermy now".

* * *

 **Finally Done... I'm sorry this is late, so to compensate, two chapters! (one will appear later this weekend)**


	6. Two Half-Off Stories For The Price Of 1

**So Two half-price stories for the price of one! Wait...**

 **Anyway, I don't own gravity falls.**

 **Also, I had this all written down, so this is my typing speed at work, not how fast I can come up with a story.**

* * *

MABEL WINS AT LIFE

The Sun was Shining, The birds were singing, ...

And at this point, Mabel had enough money to fill a large bathtub.

Her amazing new face cover thing, StylishSunBlockage (TM), was selling like hotcakes!

She'd never been so proud of her Creativity.  
Or Her Glitter glue.  
Or her old sock sweater that had been repurposed as a blindfold.  
Or Dipper's ingenuity with scissors.

All in All, it was a great day to be Mabel.

Except for one thing:

Most rich people aren't cool enough to knit their own sweater every day or so.

Like, Ugh, The Northwests.

That's a name that comes up a lot that Mabel wishes DIDN'T come up. at all.

Just thinking of that name made her hate Geography.  
And the ocean.  
And mansions.  
And cool, food-specific, forks.  
And that really snazzy restaurant across town.  
And...

Mabel Decided to move off that topic before she ruined her day.

Thinking about how terrible the Northwests were was a good way to ruin your day and your faith in humanity.

So she needed a topic to think about that wasn't Northwest related.

Like Larry.

Larry was nice.

Larry was Handsome, too. Bonus!

Task settled then, Mabel set off to think* about Larry

*By think, I mean "Try to make him fall madly in love with me"

(Tip: I'm the narrator, So I know, But Larry _**MAY**_ or may not turn out to be a vampire)

(Also, Larry apparently like older women. Who Knew?)

* * *

SKYWARD WORRIES AND EFFECTS

The Sky was green.

Yeah, It surprised Dipper too.

Mabel was still sleeping- It was one of the rare occasions he got up first.

Dipper tip-toed (dramatic effect included) out of the room, down the stairs, and to the porch.

The sky looked exactly how it did inside.

Green.

It was a shade of green, though. A shade of green that was too green what Sky Blue was to blue.

Sky Green, then.

He decided that he should step onto the grass.

This was easier thought than done.

He started to reach his foot out, But grew scared.

He Grew More and more Paranoid, tensing up as he slowly and increasingly slowly set his foot upon the Grass.

Nothing happened.

Stupid paranoia, being irrational.

He set his other foot down and gazed once again to the green expanse above.

 **-POV Change-**

Mabel got up much later than normal today(like 6 a.m.).

She almost said "hi" to Dipper, but then she remembered he got up early today.

She briefly wondered why Dipper- Wait...

 _Why was the sky Green?_

All previous thoughts were abandoned as she fixed her eyes firmly on the green sea above.

She also noted that it was a cloudless day. that would be good for her business.

 **-POV Change-**

Wendy had a daily routine.

She would get up, eat an oatmeal raisin granola bar, and do ten push-ups.

And while it wasn't the end of the world if she skipped or changed the routine up a bit, this was how most of her days started.

However, this was the first time she skipped her routine to stare at the sky.

Which was green.

A green sky

 _What was it, St. Patricks day?_

She glanced at her cup, but it contained only water, not anything to make the sky greener.

Huh.

Well, Didn't Stan have like 12 PHD's?

Maybe he could answer.

 **-POV Change-**

Stan, in fact, did NOT have any PHD's. However, that was a really easy mistake to make.

He was more knowledgeable about what was going on than the average person, though.

 **-POV Change-**

Now, stargazing is definitely not one of Hacker3-2-11's hobbies or even an interest. But, last night, something caught his attention, and that was the gateway to an overnighter.

He honestly wasn't surprised that when the sun came up, the sky turned green instead of blue.

Meh, he was a firm believer in sleep being for the week anyway.

 **-POV Change-**

I apologize, but Soos's reaction reveals information that is not to be read by anyone, so I must use the "Code of the dead" to censor it.

Sj. N Sj. a gtJ0 J0cq" OCC0q0 rc"E a i jcCUa bv" MCCjJch ." J"Naaa

urMMN

i Iv0" )Ccq" MJjr J"a i )Ccq" MJjr J" ." .MMaiqMM hr" J" "C Cv M."rE J_ i n.c rwrE nClr v; UJ"t 0Clr"tJch i )Ccq" t."ra

 **-POV Change-**

Beep Beep Beep.

That was his alarm.

Something was off

He was worried

If this meant what he thought it meant, Gravity falls was doomed. He could already hear Bill Cipher laughing.

He could already hear Bill Cipher laughing.

* * *

 **Yeah, So I've been trying to have a consistent sleep schedule. Long story short, That means I have an electronic free hour at the end of the day. So This weekend I just typed up the written drafts I had, and that's how it took me a day to write two stories. And yes I know it's shorter than usually, Don't be picky.**

 **Also Please Review this story so I may learn how to improve. Or maybe Give me more ideas. But Mainly how to improve.**

 **And Yes, Learning What I termed the "code of the dead" might be a cool Idea.**


	7. Half a Chapter(Or, Spoiling headhunters)

**So.**

 **An unfinished Chapter.**

 **In the middle of the week.**

 **Well, I've realized something.**

 **Spending horrid weeks on end typing unending stories is not fun.**

 **So, I have come to ask a favor of you, the reader.**

 **On my page, I have a poll.**

 **(Or at least, I should. I'm new to polls)**

 **The poll has 4 options:**

 **The option you should choose for an insane time-travel confuse-a-thon that will make quantum mechanics look easy.  
** **The option you should choose if you want me to do the rest of this chapter.  
** **The option You should choose if you want a new story I've written out to come out next. This will probably be the quickest option: I have a rough draft already.  
** **The option you** **should choose if you want a new story I've written out on the condition it contains fewer 4th wall breaking scenes. There are surprisingly a lot of them. I feel too many of them.**

 **Please note that all result in me eventually finishing this chapter.**

 **What new story is it? Well, I call it "Graves and Gratifical sacrifices"**

 **Should no one respond, Well, I'll get to everything eventually.(?)**

 **Man, that was a long author's note. I feel like I'm forgetting something though.**

* * *

"An accident, constable? Or is it...Murder?!" The Duck quacked.

Most of the Pines family was sitting happily, watching one of their favorite free TV shows.

Soos was there too because he arrived to work an hour early, and Stan didn't want him waiting outside an hour for work to start.

The constable was in shock, "What?!"

"What a Surprise! That Duck's A genius! Duck-tective will return after these messages." Said a Random TV announcer's voice.

Mabel was ecstatic: "That Duck is a genius!"

Dipper, not so much: "Eh, it's easier to find clues when you're that close to the ground."

Stan Had the stuff to say too: "You would think that the first three letters of his name were 'M, O, N'!"

(Had anyone gotten that joke, they would have laughed. No one laughed)

Soos, however, was the odd one out. He was a ghost. He also Had found a door trying to eat some popcorn off the floor: "GUYS! I FOUND A DOOR WHILE EATING POPCORN OFF THE FLOOR!"

Stan Sighed while everyone else started going ecstatic over a random Door. To no one, he muttered, "Here we go again."

 **-Time Skip-**

"Behold the Gravity Falls Wax Museum! It was one of our most popular attractions... before I forgot all about it. I got 'em all! Genghis Khan, Sherlock Holmes, My Ex-wife, some kind of, I don't know, goblin man?" Stan preaches as if talking to more tourists

Dipper shudders, "Is anyone else getting the creeps here?"

Stan Completly ignores him, "And now for my personal favorite: Wax Abraham Lincoln, right over-"

A puddle of wax was where Stan was pointing.

"Oh! Oh no! Come on, who left the blinds open? Wax John Wilkes Booth, I'm looking in your direction!"

You could see another pile of wax on the floor in the direction he looked.

"Oh, Nevermind then. Thomas Corbett?"

Surprisingly, another pile of wax. Man, There's a lot of windows in that room.

Having given up on that line of Who-did-what, Stan asked the only question he had left: "How do you fix a wax figure?"

Mabels eyes sparkled with possibility

 **-Time Skip-**

"What Happened to Free pizza?" Donna asked (since I felt she deserved more screen time then what she got in the show)

Stan, Who had totally lied about the pizza, Decided to pull his next trick: Vanishing, With the admission box in tow.

His wax counterpart, Mabel's masterpiece, Sat on stage doing nothing.

Mabel, nevertheless, was overjoyed: "That went well."

 **-Time Skip-**

"Hot pumpkin pie!" Stan was definitely having a better day then Before ... Nevermind. "Look at all this cash! And I owe it all to one person, this guy!"

Never before had blaming a wax figure for all your fortune had seemed so innocent.

 **-Time Skip-**

Stan was having a great time watching criminal mysteries on the television with his new BFF, Wax Stan: "Well, I'm gonna use the john. You need anything? Ha! I love this guy! Don't you go nowhere." Stan giggled a couple more times at his own joke before leaving the living room for a quick second

Unfortunately, a second was all the time that was needed.

BAM.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoOOOOOOOOOOO-(heavy inhale noise)-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-"

STAN! I would like to complete the rest of the story. Please.

 **-Time Skip-**

"I got up to use the john, right?" Stan Begged, at the point where he doesn't think even a thing is getting through to them. "And when I come back, blammo! He's headless!"

Officer Blubs sighed. Again. "I'm telling you, This case is unsolvable!"

Deputy Durland Scratched his head some more. "Like... Last week's crossword puzzle?"

(he was running out of examples of unsolvable things.)

"Wait-" Dipper interrupted, "Wasn't the answer five?"

(Durland really needed to know more unsolvable things.)

Blubs shook his head some more: "Well, crossword solvable or no, This case is most definitely Unsolvable."

"It's these terrible cop shenanigans that make me scam you guys every way to Tuesday," Stan shouted, glaring daggers at the officers.

Said officers Gasp. "Hey, We have great shenanigans!" Blubs cries

"You know," Dipper pointed out, "I could help if you want."

"No!" Blubs denies "This case is closed until I get the respect I deserve for my Shenanigans"

"Wait-" Mabels asks confused, "I thought the case was closed anyway?"

"It Is!" Answers Durland, Happy to be of help.

"So My options are Apologise and Abandon Wax Stan, or Abandon Wax Stan? That's a worse deal then I give my tourists!" Stan shouted, infuriated at the situation.

"That's it!" Dipper had enough, "Mabel, you and me are going to find the jerk who did this, and get back that head."

Blubs Chuckled and let loose his thoughts: "You city-folk are adorable! I'm a professional and if I can't solve it-"

"Attention, all units." interrupts Blub's walkie-talkie. "Steve is about to complete a 23-14"

"A whole Watermelon! We need to hurry!" Durland was ecstatic.

Watching Blubs and Durland run away giggling like small school children made Dipper's blood go cold, and he vowed to solve this mystery and prove to the officer that the only thing adorable about him was his work ethic, or his name wasn't Dipper Pines. Even though that was really only a nickname. But It was his Nickname, dagnabbit.

Mabel coughed into her hand and informed Dipper that he said that aloud.

 **-Temporary rift in the Story-time continuum-**


	8. The Other Half(Or Finishing Headhunters)

**So this chapter finally Exists.**

 **Expect more from this story this weekend.**

 **I don't own anything.**

* * *

 **-End Temporary Rift in Story-time continuum** -

"There were a lot of unhappy customers at the unveiling. The murderer could have been anyone." Dipper looked at his meager information spread on the dining table.

"Yeah!" Mabel agreed to a bit too enthusiastically, "Even us!"

"Mabel, Did you kill Wax Stan?" Dipper asked, A bit too honestly

"Well, maybe Not us. But anyone else!"

"We need Evidence... Where can we find evidence?"

"Soos is always good at finding evidence... We should try what he does! You go get the Popcorn, And I'll start Licking the floor!"

Unfortunately, Before Dipper could stop her, Mabel flops on the floor and starts to lick it. Fortunately, before he could get her off the floor, She found the first clue: "Footprints! And An Axe! And not the deodorant!"

Dipper was ecstatic: "Mabel, Do you know what this means?"

"Soos's Method worked!"

"I guess that too, Mabel"

Not to waste a second, Dipper ran out of the dining room (followed closely by Mabel- but not too closely, remember), Axe in hand. fortunately, neither did Hackerx3-2-11.

"Woah, Woah, Woah!" Scolded Hackerx3-2-11 as he pulled Dipper to a complete stop, "If you're going to run with an axe, use the right hand!"

Dipper was puzzled: "What?"

"Oh." Hackerx3-2-11 realized, "I mean the correct hand."

Mabel, leaping straight into the action, had the solution: "What?"

"It's like scissors: if you're going to run with scissors in your right hand, make sure they are right-handed scissors."

Dipper thought about it: "It's left-handed?"

Mabel thought about what it was: "A CLUE!"

"How do you even know that, Hacker?"

"It's Hackerx3-2-11. And I'm not sure. It's like multiple things are happening in the background, things we can't yet comprehend. And some kind of Deus Ex Machina powers gave that knowledge."

Surprisingly, everyone went silent after that.

-Time Skip-

"So Mabel," Dipper Postulates "I would vote we go house to house to find everyone's handedness."

"Question." Mabel questioned Questioningly, "Why are we just ignoring everything Hacker said?"

"Because Hacker has just been playing many computer games."

"It's Gravity Falls! Anythings Possible!"

"Mabel, God is not giving us-"

Suddenly, Stan burst in, laughing maniacally: "Hey kids, I just fleeced the whole town to make feel better about you-know-who! You'd think they learn at this point! It was so easy, I even Got this cool chart of their hand preference. Hey, wait a second, I don't remember getting a pink sticky note that says- Ugh, I need my glasses"

Quickly procuring said eyesight enhancers, Stan reads the sticky note: "P.S. It's not Toby Determined Either. Weird. It's like some kind of Deus Ex Mac-"

Mabel did not let him finish his sentence: "GOD I WANT A PONY!"

Suddenly, a faint 'Neigh' Could be heard.

-Time Skip-

After Dragging Mabel back inside(She had spent an entire 24 hours looking for her pony, But she never found it.), It was time for Wax Stan's funeral.

Stan, already in tears, tried his best: "Kids, Soos, lifeless wax figures, thank you all for being here in this time of waxy need. Some people might say it's wrong for a man to love a wax replica of himself, But You were so much more than that. You were also Glittery. Wax Stan, I hope you're picking pockets in wax heaven."

The performance was poor, but Stan surprised everyone by keeping himself together long enough to say that.  
Granted, He ran away sobbing immediately after, But He made it through his lines.

Dipper and Mabel walked up the aisle and stood over Wax Stan to pay their respect.

Stan didn't actually know what "Paying Your Respect" actually meant, so he repurposed the Tip Jar.

"I failed," Dipper sighed "Those cops are right about me. I considered everything: the weapon, the motive, the clues, The apparent Deus Ex Machina thing going on,- Wax Stan shoe has a hole in his shoe."

"Dipper," Mabel replies, "All the wax guys have that. It's where the pole thingy attaches to their stand Thingy.

"Mabel!" Dipper Realizes, "What has a hole in its shoe and no fingerprints?"

"That Means," Mabel reasons, "The murderers are-"

" _Standing right behind you._ " Wax Sherlock Holmes Grinned as the twins Gasped.

" _Congratul-"_

"How?"

" _You've disc-_ "

"HOW?"

" _WE'RE CURSED, You Blithering Baboons, Now LET ME TALK!_ "

"..."

" _Whenever the moon is waxing_ -"

"It's Waning"

" _No-_ "

"Yes, It's clearly Waning"

"It totally is," Mabel Interjects. "look out the window."

" _I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE POSITION OF THE MOON YOU PERNICIOUS MONSTER!_ "

"That's your entire point though."

" _Just... Die_ "

The Wax Figures start their slow approach before roaring into action, pushing the kids as far into the corner as they fit.

Dipper, in a desperate, try to be Heroic, Grabs a nearby decorative candle and waves it at the wax figures, But unfortunately, the 170° degrees Fahrenheit That it takes to melt wax was not provided by the 140° Fahrenheit LED light bulb in said candle.

At least not immediately, but Sherlock gave him no time to spare. They were doomed.

And Then, ... Deus Ex Machina:

Wax Stan was alive.

Headless, But alive.

He stood up and stepped between our impending battlefield.

" _Ha_!" Cried Sherlock, " _Even Your own Figure turned against you-_ "

And then all the figures melted into waxy oozes.

Wax Stans body Strode over, picked his head up and plopped it on his neck before turning to the twins.

"Somehow, _i_ wAs **g** iVen lifE _w_ hen they tr _i_ ed to take _l_ ife-.

i have he _l_ ped y **o** u THis fa _r_ but shall h _e_ lp yOU no _m_ ore-

 _a_ nd goOdbye My Goo **d** fr _i_ e _n_ dS-"

As if that was all needed to be said, he suddenly rose up and transcended. Or maybe he ascended. One of the two.

Stan, who had just walked in, Was trying to comprehend the fact he just saw Wax Stan Ascend. Or maybe Transcend. One of the two

Aside from that, The Story Ended.

* * *

 **I Don't have much more to say.**

 **And yes, Wax Stans Message may have Like 6 different Codes inside it.**


	9. Graves and Gratifical Sacrifices

**As promised, more this weekend.  
** **Now for matters that do pend  
** **Gravity falls I do not own,  
** **Mixing up I seem to do.  
** **And I have got a riddle for you.  
** **It seems this story's out of order,  
** **perhaps if you could tell me  
** **the correct which goes where goes when.  
** **You may get a prize, again.**

 **(Not that anyone else has already gotten a prize, it just rhymed)**

* * *

Dipper got lost in the cemetery.

To be honest, Dipper Didn't even know how he got to the cemetery in the first place.  
And the only thing he's found so far is that (Hopefully) Gravity falls buries it's dead in French.

I say hopefully because I agree with Dipper in the fact that I would rather it be that than the alternative.

SNAP!

What was that?

Dipper decided to see if reading the graves would take his mind off the terror lurking beyond.

Despite his initial problems with the language, he soon realized that it wasn't his bad translation; It was that the graves themselves didn't make any sense:

 _Roman Douglas_  
 _Rob's Channel_  
 _Tedd Borne_  
 _x=x_  
 _1984_  
 _A=._  
 _b=B_  
 _CheeseCake the great_  
 _Steel Silence_  
 _Bartsch Bickerins_  
 _MABEL PINES_  
 _Donny Andrews_

Wait, what?

When he looked back, the grave that he had thought said Mabel's name was gone.

In its place was a shadow.

Dipper shuttered and looked onward at the graves:

 _Jonathan Stewart_  
 _a=Z_  
 _Bob Marley_  
 _Bill Doors_  
 _YOUR NEXT_  
 _Bart the clown dog's snuffles_

Dipper glanced back to see an odd opening in the dirt, and he felt oddly compelled to jump in.

He decided to stop reading GRAVE names.

He rolled his eyes at the narrators double entendre and walked faster.

 **-Time Skip 1-**

Dipper yawned as he sat on his bed, which was especially stiff and bumpy today. His bed- Wait what was that carved into it?

 _R... I... P-_

Dipper screams louder than Mabel in a candy store, while swinging his limbs in any motion he thinks will get him away from the slab of stone he had somehow woken up on.

When he calmed enough to start performing some basic levels of thought, he wondered why the graves are in English now.

 **-Time Skip 2-**

 _My left Shoe  
_ _Parsnips  
_ _Steven Marb  
_ _The English Language  
_ _Tiger of Thickno Row  
_ _A Grave Situation  
_ _Stanley Pines  
_ _Abraham Lincoln._

The graves Did not make any more sense in English.

 **-Time Skip 3-**

This time when the skeleton popped out of his grave, He didn't even faze dipper

"Spooky Scary Skele-"

"Shut up man! this has happened five times now!"

"Oh, yeah. That 'dip' Guy. You're still here? Have you tried to take a left at the crypt?"

"Yes, I have, Remember?"

"Are you sure your not dead?"

 **-Time Skip 4-**

WHAT?

"Yeah." Dipper Betra-

"It is not a betrayal, It is a fact."

How Dare You. I AM YOUR NARRATOR

"You are like, Super annoying. And you always break the fourth wall"

Well, FINE. GO FIND A BETTER NARRATOR THEN.

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

 **-Time Skip 5-**

The rancid slime cocktail of bloody ooze dripped slowly out of the cup, each drop sizzling acidity as it burrowed into the floor.  
Dipper gulped and swallowed and shivered with fear, while his dignity left him in the form of a puddle on the ground.

The creature grinned, his prey frozen with fear.  
He liked it that way.

The flailing ones are too chewy.  
Too hard to swallow.  
Too hard to suck the blood out of.

Dipper tried to swallow his fear.

He choked on it.

 **-Time Skip 6-**

Dipper had gotten so bored of walking, he started reading graves again.

However, All the graves in this area were messed up, and while he didn't know why, He definitely wouldn't mind spending all 40 of his daily adventures here.

 **-Time Skip 7-**

All graves symbolize something.

usually death, but something.

Some people believe that graves are man's last attempt at rejoining nature before they are forgotten forever.

Why women are excluded, I have no idea.

Dipper, however, was in the "GRAVESTONES ARE SO OVERRATED WHY CAN'T I GET OUT OF THIS CEMETERY" point of view

I think the cemetery might be starting to get to him

 **-Time Skip 8-**

Dipper was really lost now.

And while the near pitch-black night meant it was excusable to not notice, Dipper felt stupid for not realizing he was in a tunnel sooner.

And lost.

Dipper also felt lost.

And worse, whoever made this tunnel felt the need to bury millions of people without the use of graves.

It was like a maze of bones.

Wait, do those skulls have a Sudoku game carved into them?

 **-Time Skip 9-**

The monster twitched

He shook  
He threw his chalice to the ground  
He clicked his teeth  
And shriveled his eyes  
and Tensed and bent his knees  
He looked He leaped  
He roared.

ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRR

He charged his reluctant dinner

Dipper was unprepared for such a feat, and as such, was only able to escape by the skin of his teeth.  
His teeth had no skin.  
His entire right arm was one big blister.

Dipper was doomed.

 **-Time Skip 10-**

Being a neat freak was hard.

Being the ghost of a neat freak was harder still.

Being the ghost of a neat freak with an unfair death and anger issues was probably resting next to impossible.

So when Dipper accidentally brushed molecules(5, the ghost counted) with an unmarked plot of land with, in fact, no visual cues to the fact that is it was the final resting place of someone,

You could invent a new language for describing how mad that ghost was.

Unfortunately, I'm not going to invent languages, so English(and imagination) will have to suffice.

The ghost was peeved.

He rose out of his home, his grave.

He picked dipper up.

And flung him away.

Dipper's hospital bill was going to be really, really, really enormous.

 **-Time Skip-**

Dipper Had given up on violence and has instead resorted to running. The monster chasing him was twice his size and speed.

The only reason it hadn't caught up yet was because it seasoned Dipper.  
And while it took nearly three lunges to season him, Dipper was quite seasoned at this point.

Dipper's only hope was to outsmart an evil, malicious skeleton monster who trapped its victims in a giant maze cemetery and then devoured them. Dipper was doomed.

But then he saw something.  
An open rectangle of land, nothing distinguishing it from the path except for the fact it was a little out of the way.

He had a chance.

The monster was getting bored of chasing his food.  
His food was flailing too.  
and it was screaming like a little girl.  
It was time to stop playing with his food.

Dipper ran. The monster had stopped chasing him. It had started trying to eat him.

Dipper ran.  
And jumped.

He jumped roughly 2.5 x 10^25 molecules over the dirt.  
roughly 0.762 meters over the dirt.  
roughly 30 inches over the dirt.  
roughly the width of a grave plot over the dirt.

The monster did not even blink at the idea of slowing down.

A ghost, who had gotten his patience tested when a kid jumped over his grave, now had a 32-ton skeletal monster traveling roughly 48 Miles per hour directly on top of it.

Ghosts are apparently more powerful than skeleton monsters. Who knew?

Dipper was free.

The Monster never felt more of a vendetta against a young boy.  
He would taste that flesh.  
No matter what the cost.

* * *

 **I cut so much of this story, some for time reasons, some because they were huge fourth wall break sections, and some because they didn't make any sense without the fourth wall break section. AAAAAAAAAH.**

 **Also, for the challenge, the rules are simple:**

 **I numbered the sections. (the first section is the first section, and the last the last, so no numbers there)  
** **Give me a review of what you think the correct order is,  
** **Be Correct.  
Get shouted out in this story for a good job and, I don't know, Brownie points.** **  
**

 **Should no one get it, I will give out the "Closest" award.**


	10. The Deus Ex Machina that Rocks The Mabel

**This Forward was added on just before release: Sorry, this was so late; But you'll see why as soon as you read the next few lines.**

 **I have brought torture.**  
 **I Am Sorry, Future self.**  
 **Why's this a haiku?**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own gravity falls**

 **I do own the stupidity of writing "The Hand That Rocks the Mabel" without Gideon.**

 **Stupid convoluted plotlines I'm making**

 **This will either be the death of me, or I will live forever.**

* * *

Stan was getting bored of this tour.

He figured he'd close up now and sell his later tour as more comprehensive one.

"And now for the last trick, allow me to introduce to you, The Amazing Potato Sack Of Mystery(TM). Observe as-"

"Why did you say TM?" Asked the shop clerk of that magic shop with cheap prices.

"Because" Stan answered. "The last time I didn't say TM, Some guys tried to copy me, trademark it themselves, and sue me. I tried to sue them for Trademark Infringement, but as it was pending, they got away."

All the dumb tourists are amazed, say things to make him feel better and give him lots of money because he quote unquote deserved it.

Then, Stan continued his trick: "Thank you all. Now, for the last trick, observe as when this bag is filled with money, a potato appears!"

Amazed at this, the tourists stuff the sack full of money and are even more amazed when Stan pulls a potato from behind his back.

"Thank you all for coming! and see you on the afternoon tour!" Stan says, leading them back to the gift shop while doing so. While most of the people left, one man stayed.

The magic shop clerk:

"No, Seriously, Why did you say TM?"

"I got fined for selling a modified mousetrap as a dream catcher under the term "Patent Pending", which is apparently illegal to use if the patent isn't pending, so I submitted it for a patent, and while doing that I found out how easy it is to copyright and stuff, so I just did it to ensure my best ideas weren't copied, and then I did it to all my ideas, and it just went on from there."

"Oh."

"Why did you want to know anywho? In fact, why did you even come here, Uh... Magic shop clerk guy"

"Wyrd Specemen. And I was just curious."

"Weird? Are you named weird? Hey, You're Named Weird!"

"It's Norse for personal destiny or Fate"

"So the fate of a creature?"

"Specemen like specere, Latin for look- And before you ask, my middle name is komes like komeo, greek for order, So my full name is either 'To order fate to look' or 'To look for order in Fate', both having meanings that basically ask for a good destiny for me."

 **-Time Skip-**

"Guys!" Soos interjects "look at this commercial, it's like there's supposed to be someone in it, but there is no one!"

"interesting" Notes Dipper.

"I know!" Shouts Mabel excitedly "We should stop by that tent to see what's up."

Stan, obviously, interjects: "Forget that lousy commercial, I just found out the idiot I buy all my groceries from has the stupidest name since... Uh, Someone with a stupid name. So let's go laugh at him"

"FYI" Mabel Supplies, "I find a commercial without someone it's supposed to have more interesting."

"Never!" Stan yells, "You're forbidden from entering that tent. No one that lives under my roof is allowed under... Wait, Why am I so against a tent? Huh, I dunno. It's like some kinda Deus ex mach-"

"NOPE," Dipper shouts, walking out of the room the way someone who's given up on life would, "Nope, I'm out. I'M OUT! OUT!"

 **-Time Skip-**

Bud Gleeful had a way with words.

"Step right up there, folks. Put your money in this random basket I found on the floor but feel required to use for asking for your money, Like some kinda Deus ex Machina is using his powers to force me into this."

All the dumb tourists are amazed, say that they felt that way too and give him lots of money because he quote unquote deserved it.

"Alright guys, Welcome to this tent In the middle of the forest!"

Everyone cheers. and cheers some more. Mabel and Soos, the only ones unaffected by this, ponder why they just spent 5$ to go see an empty stage.

A boring stage

A really really completely empty stage

And then everyone starts clapping

As if a Deus ex Machina made them...

Mabel was, however, yet an unbeliever.

She wanted her pony.

 **-Time Skip-**

"Dipper stared intensely into the pond.  
Dipper did not ponder life.  
Dipper did not ponder God.  
Dipper did not feed his Pitt Cola addiction.  
Dipper was silent.  
Dipper should Shut up and stop talking to himself in the third person."

AS you can see from Dipper's incessant muttering, He was trying to reason out the whole 'Deus ex Machina' Thing. After hours and hours and hours of decoding what Wax Stan said, The only really helpful thing he got out of it was that this, being a completely separate incident, had a completely different cause.

That was completely unhelpful, which was why Dipper Was freaking out next to the lake feeding his Pitt Cola addiction.

"Maybe Dipper can find a mathematical solution to his problems!" Dipper cackled to himself happily, as if already insane.

 **-Time Skip-**

"Let's review the evidence dawg," Soos said, moving his styrofoam finger so as to point to segment one; "One, God-"

"No, not God. God would have given me my pony." Mabel stated with conviction

"Okay. Then, One, Some kind of mysterious force- Oh hey isn't there a song called that?"

"Oh yeah. Hey, we should sing it!"

"Wait, No. Mabel, could you stop encouraging me? I need to learn better focus."

"Soos, You are literally a ghost."

"Touche. Anyway, a mysterious force seems to be making people do stuff they have no reason to do. Two, it is within physical possibility for them to be doing said action, making it seem to be missing persons or people. Or things. Three, that despite the vanishment of those persons, people, or things, It wants certain events in this summer to happen, Like Mabel getting a white stallion-"

"Even if it was a pony, I would not reconcile that easy."

"Mabel finding a lobster in the aquarium. Mabel having a snazzy bird land on her shoulder and invite her to a dance with nobody. Me Having a random sudden dislike of a repair guy. And finally, Mabel surprising Dipper three-foot long nail extensions."

"Heh, I don't know if me yelling boo at him or me telling him it was an act of Deus Ex Machina which scared him more."

"Yeah, that was down dawg."

With that, the conversation temporarily halted, Soos and Mabel looked at their ConspiracyBoard (TM). (They borrowed it from Dipper)

It, in true conspiracy fashion, was covered in evidence and red tape.

Unfortunately, while they had a conspiracy board, they lacked a conspiracy nut.

Dipper was calculating the mathematical sum of the universe,  
McGucket was... doing his own thing  
Uh... A different conspiracy nut was also out of the picture.  
Uh... Well, they didn't know any more nuts

They were just plain out of nuts.

Luckily, Stan came to the rescue.

"Guys! Look! I just fleeced a guy into giving me a 10-pound sack of assorted nuts!"

Mabel had a practical answer: "What do you need 10 pounds of nut for, and can I have about three of those bags?"

Soos had a question: "Are there any conspiracy nuts in there?"

Mabel was astounded: "SOOS! You're a GENIUS!"

Stan was, of course, confused: "Conspiracy Nuts? Like that weird shop guy? I mean, he was telling me how he hoards shoes in his basement in case of the Apocolypse. Yup, none of those nuts in this bag."

Soos had another question: "Mr. Pines, don't you hoard brown meat in case of the apocalypse?"

Mabel had another answer: "Soos That's it! Grunkle Stan is a conspiracy nut!"

 **-Time Skip-**

Wyrd was polishing his counter at the magic shop, When he suddenly felt that he almost had been called to adventure, but then wasn't, and would probably never be.

Almost like some sort of Deus Ex Machina stopped him...

He decided to stop using the crystal ball before noon and went back to polishing his counter.

 **-Time Skip-**

"Are you sure this will help, Grunkle Stan?" Mabel asked hesitantly. She wasn't sure how watching people walk down Main Street was going to help.

"I'm positive, kid. Now, Soos should be here any moment. If something is gonna happen, it's gonna be when he arrives." Stan says, still crouching in the bushes.

Suddenly, a _BIG-LIPPED ALLIGATOR_ appeared. "This is the _MOMENT_ ," Stan whispered to Mabel "Hand Me the shotgun"

"I can't; I ate it when it turned into bologna"

"You ate i- Wait, It turned into bologna?"

"Yeah."

Then the alligator left.

 **-Time Skip-**

Dipper had finally determined the variable 'Q'.

"Actually, I determined the variable A58. Remember, There are more than 26 variables in this equation. The alphabet only has twenty-six letters."

Well, You googled 41 of the answers, meaning YOU determined A17 at the least, And I still say you should go through the mathematical alphabets by order, putting you at the English Q.

"Either way, I only need 38 more to go. Now, where is my calculator?"

 **-Time Skip-**

"Are you sure this will work?" Mabel asks, pacing nervously.

Stan laughs nonchalantly as he doodles some more StanBucks: "Kid, the only way this'd work better is if you did it, but you didn't want to, remember?"

"I thought you said it was dangerous?"

"Well, No risk, no reward. And in this case, the reward is stopping all these Deus Ex Machina moments. But don't go back on your decision now; Soos is probably almost done."

As if a sign, the high noon sun now starts to set, darkening the atmosphere.

Soos walks out the gaping hole in reality (What, You didn't know there was one on Main Street?), oblivious to the mood: "Guys! I got a good feeling about talking to nothing. I think everything is going to go back to normal! Hopefully, Fingers crossed. Oh. Huh. It's hard to cross your fingers as a ghost."

 **-Time Skip-**

*Phone Noises*

"Welcome to the Mystery Shack, Mr. Mystery Speaking" Stan said causally

Mabel didn't usually pay attention to Stan when he took a call.

She wished she had.

"I'll be on Forest road in an hour."

 **-Time Skip: 3 Hours-**

When They heard Stan scream, it was too late.

Too late for everything.  
Too late for him  
Too late for his hopes  
Too late for his dreams  
Too late for his family  
All of it.

It was too late for his future.  
And he hadn't gotten millions yet.

 _Then, Soos was swallowed by a tear in space-time_

 **-Time Rift-**

Stan was getting bored of this tour.

He figured he'd close up now and sell his later tour as more comprehensive one.

"And now for the last trick, allow me to introduce to you, The Amazing Potato Sack Of Mystery(TM). Observe as-"

"Why did you say TM?" Asked Wyrd

"Because" Stan answered. "The last time I didn't say TM, Some guys tried to copy me, trademark it themselves, and sue me. I tried to sue them for Trademark Infringement, but as it was pending, they got away."

All the dumb tourists are amazed, say things to make him feel better and give him lots of money because he quote unquote deserved it.

THEN, Stan continued his trick: "Thank you all. Now, for the last trick, observe as when this bag is filled with money, a potato appears!"

Amazed at this, the tourists stuff the sack full of money and are even more amazed when Stan pulls a potato from behind his back.

"Thank you all for coming! and see you on the afternoon tour!" Stan says, leading them back to the gift shop while doing so.

 **-Time Skip-**

Dipper and Mabel were having a jolly good time sitting down watching T.V.

Well, Dipper was reading in front of the TV and Mabel was balancing a book on her nose.

Suddenly, despite being propelled to say it by some sorta Deus Ex Machina, Dipper holds in a comment about an interesting commercial that just aired.

Mabel never even notices it. She's too engrossed in book-balancing.

* * *

 **Look, I'm sorry this took forever. I never forgot about it, I just procrastinated. And when I worked on it, well, ...I just wrote a "The Hand that Rocks the Mabel" without the main antagonist. It was hard. I'm not sure if that's good or not, but Spoiler Alert, The next chapter is the whole time-travel confuse-a-thon. I know, Short build up, But... I feel I'm running out of characters. That's probably a valid fear, as I Don't have Soos, Wendy, That one place on Main Street, Gideon, ... Oh. Well, Four things. In two chapters. Hmm... Nevermind. The confuse-a-thon can wait a bit.**

 **Also, I'm constantly going back and editing old chapters, Both to better myself and to increase the chance someone reviews... it's not working, but I'm informing you, people, so well, You know why this story pops up on the most recent story page randomly sometimes. this was a long afternote.**

 **Also, you may have noticed the start thing I did BEFORE the start thing. I told you guys the author's note was the first thing I wrote, right? Yeah, well I didn't want to fix it and it was outdated cause I wrote it like forever ago. I think I'm out of things to say now, so bye!**

 **WAIT, No I have one more thing: I was a lot looser when sticking to the story this time around. What do you guys think? Good/Bad? Review So I can find out and be better!**


	11. Hacker Vs Robbie (Or, Duchesses Beware)

**I don't own Gravity Falls, Sorry this took so long to make, enjoy the story.**

* * *

Hackerx3-2-11 was a clear example of why being mad and being frustrated are two separate emotions.

When he's frustrated, he digs his hands into his eyesockets in a desperate and usually failing attempt to hide the tears, like a couple days ago when he failed at finding his way through a mall parking lot.

When He's mad, he yells, throws some punches, and publishes a report of everything you've ever done on the internet, on the internet.

Now, (And Sorry for jumping ships here) Let's look at another character: Robbie.

When Robbie's frustrated, he makes this weird growly noise.

(No, I will _not_ Demonstrate)

When Robbie's mad, he yells, throws some punches, and challenges you to go do something stupid to see who is the bigger "man" (and saying that in such a way that implies that his skill at this useless objective makes him intrinsically better than you).

Now, Saying hypothetically, (and as a narrator I never do) These two separate entities were to walk into each other while doing things of varying legality (why Hacker was buying illegal pugs, I will never know) and get into an argument about how bad Robbie's art skills are (They are terrible- those are DEFINITELY muffins, not explosions), might decide to duke it out in the most haunted place in town.

Now, if you read the bracketed material, Then you already know that... I may not have been as hypothetical as I previously let on.

Though I do think it was bold for Robbie to sell tickets to the event.

 **-Time Skip-**

Stan, who was disappointed for being refused a ticket because He "probably was going to video it and post it online" (which is exactly what he would have done, but I digress), sat down in his chair doing the old man equivalent of pouting: Eating brown meat and watching TV.

Unfortunately, Stan was about to learn a very important life lesson: That the world will continue with what it wants to do whether or not you want to join.

Or, putting it in the words of the TV:

"You're watching the black and white period piece old lady boring movie channel! Stay tuned for the Friday night movie, The Duke Disapproves, a sequel to the beloved The Duchess Approves, starring Sturly Stembleburgiss as 'The Duchess' and Grampton St. Rumpterfrabble as irascible coxswain 'Saunterblugget HampterfuppinbuppinManthisisareallylingnameinshire'! We will show this movie on repeat until the Saturday morning movie, The Return Of The Duke, the sequel to that sequel in which people realize that we're just milking this franchise and so have a little fun with the story; namely Rosie Weirdpants as the incredible 'Bart The Water-Breathing Dragon Made Of Fire'.

Long story short, Stan was going to have several harsh words with Mabel about bedazzling the TV remote to the point it doesn't work anymore, And he wasn't going to accept any bribes from her, unlike when she bedazzled the inside of the microwave and he "found" 50$ plus tax on top of a brand new All-the-features-included microwave that mysteriously replaced the old one. Though they still were in a constant argument about who should clean up the... remains of the old microwave.

Of course, by a constant argument I mean Stan yells at Mabel to clean up the mess she made whenever he is reminded that it hasn't been cleaned up, namely when microwaving something and the microwave wobbles because instead of flat on-the-counter it's balanced precariously on what's left of the old microwave.

Not that Mabel is lazy or irresponsible; She, like in poker, just doesn't completely understand how it works.

 **-Time Skip-**

 _After_ being kicked out of the Northwest residence,  
 _After_ Dipper (Who somehow against all logic and reason[And I am the narrator. I am the unwilling 'WILL' and they found a way.] is somehow on Robbie's team.) convinced them that going into the haunted part of the graveyard was a bad idea(not that Robbie needed convincing, having lived next to the cemetery as long as he did.),  
 _After_ The paying audience refused to go into the Gravity Falls Mine because it was too dark(despite the fact that this was already a dark, new moon night in the middle of the forest town and it was pitcher black than any cave could be),

They arrived at the defunct Dusk 2 Dawn at exactly 11:42.

Most of the audience had to go home because they misread the flier and thought it would end at midnight.

Many of the remaining ones were all too scared (or had other reasons for staying outside; Like Toby Determined, for example. He explained[To literally anyone who would listen] that the last time he directly saw ghastly activity, he got a headache and suffered from out of body visions of UFO cultists and Smither-Squirrels) to go inside the Dusk 2 Dawn, and so, they waited in the brush near the fence.

The few that remained, remained strong and unafraid.

There was Mabel, who hadn't even gotten a chance to pick her preferred champion before she noticed some old illegal candy and started winning some world-wide sugar consumption medals.

Dipper, who despite (again, against all logic) being Robbie's strategist, wanted Hacker to win.

Nate, Robbie's wingman, despite the situation not calling for one, and despite Nate not having wings.

Lee, Hacker's insider, despite the situation not calling for one, and despite Lee not having anything that could help even if it did fit his title.

Thompson, who was currently 23$ and one Slushee in debt to Hacker, and Hacker promised that if he helped him, he would drop the money amount to 15$. While Thompson wasn't struggling for money, that was 8$ he didn't have to pay back. He could buy nearly 16 Slushees with that. If he had a choice, however, he would've chosen Robbie

Then, there was Tambry, who was too busy doing random social media things to have even noticed where they were.

And finally, there were the people who got us into this mess.

Robbie, Emo of all trades and Gardener on the side (He hasn't told anyone, not even his parents.) He wanted himself to win.

Hackerx3-2-11, The man who started Anonymous before being kicked out because he kept hacking his own members. He too, wants himself to win.

Thompson and Dipper each set up their team's chair against a wall, both chairs equidistant to the exit of the building and the other chair. Nate and Lee were making bets on who would win. Hacker and Robbie sat down in their respective chairs and mentally prepared themselves to sit calmly throughout all that may happen.

And they waited.

 **-Time Skip-**

He was not unused to dreams.

They happened every night.

But they were dangerous.

Or rather, they had something dangerous.

 **"HEY, STEVE!"**

Something dangerous that could no longer harm/track him through a dream, and so resorted to annoying him.

 **"I SAID, HEY STEVE!"**

The name was innocent enough, but he had recently use it as an alias to go throw a crowded town without anyone hearing his name and realizing he was the wanted man from-

 **"STEVE, IF YOU DON'T RESPOND, I'LL FILL YOUR DREAMS WITH TARANTULAS!"**

"You know that isn't my name."

 **"BUT STEVE, YOU TOLD THAT NICE MAN THAT YOUR NAME WAS STEVE! WERE YOU _LYING_ TO HIM?"**

"Did I have a choice?"

 **"STEVE, STEVE, BUDDY O' PAL OF MINE, YOU ALWAYS HAVE A CHOICE. FOR EXAMPLE, RIGHT NOW** I'M **GOING TO MAKE THE CHOICE TO HELP YOU COUNT THE DAYS"**

"What-"

BOOM

There was a tremendous clash as a huge stone pillar fell from the heavens and crashed onto the field below. If the behemoth pillar wasn't clear enough (which it was), It had a number one carved into it.

The scariest part of the pillar was that the before-mentioned something dangerous had left.

It was cruel, 'Steve' Decided, to start a countdown to the apocalypse by counting up when the listening party had no idea what number you would stop at.

It was very cruel.

And then like every dream before, 'Steve' woke up.

 **-Time Skip-**

And They Waited some more.

It was nearly 3:20 by Now, and everybody was starting to wonder how long it was going to take.

Robbie and Hacker had literally stared at each other for the last 4 hours (aside from blinking, of course).

They just sat in a chair and stared.

Finally, Dipper had enough.  
He strategically started waving a Lemon-scented candle around. (He felt like he had experience learning that Ghosts Didn't like it, but couldn't remember when or how. Odd.)  
I'm not sure it was fortunate or not, but the candle did nothing.

Thompson, Bored with doing nothing, started making really bad jokes that were ghost-oriented.  
This also did nothing.

Mabel, who had already gotten off of the world's highest sugar high, was laying head-left on an aisle wall. She soon got bored and tried to provoke the ghost through the power of raspberry.  
Surprisingly, The ghost did not show up.

Tambry, Queen of getting lost in your device, Gave her followers the news of how boring it was. And it was really boring.  
The paying audience was sad that nothing was happening inside either. About another third of them left.

Nate and Lee had snuck off and become fast friends- like BFFs except at 10x speed. And it survived a blue shell, as demonstrated when Lee used one during the third lap of the race game they were playing.

And Then Thompson got bored and made himself a turkey sandwich.

And Doomed us all.

 **-Time Skip-**

Weirdly, Stan had started liking what he was watching.

"I may be a Duchess, but...I'm also a woman!"

"Yes!" Stan Screeched, his voice stained with ice cream, "Yes! In your face Elizabeth the Third and your arranged marriages! It's just like my life!...in a way."

Very weirdly.

 **-Time Skip-**

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

I Don't think anyone's given Robbie enough credit on how loud he could be. He could almost beat Mabel Or Tom.

Not that it mattered though.

I mean,  
Lee is trapped in the deli,  
Thompson was in a weird quasi-state with a Slushee,  
Nate was being eaten by a pelican,  
Dipper hit his head on a chandelier and was out cold,  
And Tambry was in a security camera. Not that she minded, as she had her phone with her, but she was stuck there.

The ghost, whether from being distracted by Robbies incessant screaming or from not being able to capture people running frantically around a room, hadn't and probably wouldn't capture Robbie anytime soon. Mabel and Hacker Were hiding behind the counter, Depending on Robbie's madmanic flailings to distract the ghost.

They were trying to come up with a plan.

Hacker realized the obvious: "I should have never made that stupid bet with Robbie"

Mabel, surprisingly (though everything about Mabel IS a surprise) was strategic: "Well, Dipper Said that ghosts have reasons- so what would give the ghost reasons to be mean to us?"

"Revenge?"

"For What?"

"I don't know: The only relation I can think of is that they have to do with food."

"And meat- THAT'S IT!"

"What?"

"Meat!"

And then Mabel Jumped onto the counter.

She Breathed in.

And Did the Mabel equivalent of speaking really loudly.

"HEY GHOST PERSON! GUESS WHAT! I'M A VEGAN!"  
Surprisingly, this worked.

"Well, why didn't you say so?" Asked the ghost.

"I didn't know I had too."

"So?"

"You expect me to walk around yelling 'I'm A Vegan' At the top of my lungs?"

(Weird thing for Mabel not to understand, because I think that if she did it no one would even bat an eye.)

"Well,-"

"And why do you even hate non-vegans?"

"I Don't Hate non-vegans, I hate Meat-eaters. You see when Was alive, I was a vegetarian. All the people at school laughed at me, taunted me, and made fun off me. That was pretty bad, but I didn't care. But one day, the day I died, I went to the store, and one of the school bullies were there. They decided to 'Teach me that meat is awesome', By forcing an entire steak down my throat. Obviously, I died. And Now I hate Meat-eaters. But as a vegan, You're free to go."

"But what about my friends?"

"If you want your friends back, you will have to suffer through the pain and sorrow that was inflicted on me. Watch yourself suffer as your friends betray you."

Robbie broke the land-speed record with his transition from flailing to talking: "What? Why would we kill her for being a vegan? Who cares?"

Hacker was no wimp either: "Yeah, I mean, what she eats is what she eats, and I have nothing to do with what she eats."

The ghost was confused: "Wait, neither of you care?"

The silence heard after that statement was ear-shattering.

"Well," Robbie said, "I'm allergic to the cheese in microwave burritos"

"Fine", The ghost grumbled, "Leave, Take Your friends, and never return."

Almost instantly, everyone was freed from whatever trap contained them, and when they realized this, They all sprinted out the door.

Surprisingly, Robbie and Hacker shoved each other through the door at the same time and disappointed the audience with a tie.

Many of them would never buy a ticket from Robbie again.

* * *

 **So, This came out. Well, I've had a much more consistent work schedule on this than before, which is good (and also why I managed to finish this chapter). I also have a decent story for a story with characters missing (I will be doing the Time Story next) and without a way to just fall back on the plot. Which is good. But the absolute best thing is that I got really excited about one of the jokes I made. You see, I have this bad habit of completely disregarding a story to think about the logistics of something in that world. So Now, I present to you, the Timeline of The Duchess Approves.**

* * *

1930's The Duchess Approves first theatrical release. Received tremendous reviews and it's sale nearly single-handedly made The company that produced it, Royalty Movies, a Competitor. Plot: The Duchess refuses to marry a Duke

1950's The Duke Disapproves theatrical release. Decent movie, but everybody agreed it was just attempting to make more money. Plot: The Duke tries again to get the Duchess to marry him. Pretty much the first movie from the Duke's perspective.

1990's Theatrical release of The Return Of The Duke. A producer figured that if everybody knew the last movie was just to make money, they might as well accept it. This led to the start of the "Joke Trilogy". The movie, within an entirely new plot, characters, dragons, and no one expecting it to do as well as it did. Plot: Bart The Water-Breathing Dragon Made Of Fire kidnaps the Duchess to protect her from the Duke, but the Duchesses husband can't find them and enlists the Duke's help to find them, because everyone else got turned into pliers made of cream cheese, and amazingly that makes total sense in context.

2000's The Duchess Leaves is released in theatres. 2nd and best-rated movie of the "Joke Trilogy". Basically the 3rd movie from the Duchesses perspective, but now Royalty Movies knows what they're doing and make it hilarious. It has no new ideas, but Royalty Movies already admitted to milking this cash cow. Plot: Kidnaped by Bart, The Duchess must decide whether staying with the dragon is truly the life for her, or if she can tolerate being near the Duke enough to live with her husband.

2010's The Duke's and the Himalayan Munchies has its first theatrical release. I'll just state the plot: The Duchesses husband (now a duke from marrying a duchess) is having a friendly chat with the Duke when the Duke mentions that he used to be an explorer and that his main regret is that he never found any Himalayan treasure. The husband realizes that they could have an expedition while the Duchess is on vacation, and the Duke agrees. However, while on their hike, they get captured by Sick yetis who are being blackmailed by a doctor to protect his treasure and to bring him test subjects. They don't escape and it ends on a cliffhanger

2018 The Duchesses and the Himalayan Munchies first theatrical release. Fourth and final movie of the 'Joke Trilogy', And sixth movie overall. Plot: The Duchesses come home from her vacation to find her husband and The Duke gone, and so enlists the help of her mother in finding them. They beat the doctor by giving the yetis the cure to the disease, and the yetis kill the doctor in anger of his meanness for blackmailing them. Having saved the Duke's they all went home happily ever after.

* * *

 **This was a fun Chapter to write.**


End file.
